Tearing up things again.

Music: Agalloch: Ashes against the grain.

Song: Fire Above, Ice below.

"The woeful silence and wind's reflection/

Of your body's pale ode, an icy fortress of blood and ages/

Sky fire above, ice below the hearth/

Fall away from me to that citadel at the end of time/

Where death sleeps and dreams of your buried pain/

There has never been a silence like this before/

There will never be an ode like this again."

It has happened twice in the last three months. Been tearing up all those things I have been keeping as mementos. Old letters, letters and photos of boyfriends, terrible poetry I had written when I was ten or eleven, diary pieces complaining about boyfriends I never had, clipouts from magazines, copies of letters I had sent to people... I have been keeping those things believing they were in a way describing me and what I am. Problem being, I'm not that person anymore. I do not care about those people, don't communicate with those pen pals anymore and generally these are just old skins I have shed on my way to now. Like an idiot I have been holding onto skins while the original is here in flesh and blood. Who needs those things? Certainly not I. So I tore and tore and tore until I had a trolley full of past and then I went and emptied it into the recycle bin. I felt relief.

It's amazing how much papercrap one manages to accumulate in any given amount of time. For me, at least, it's papercrap. Other people with different inclinations collect other types of crap. Notice the keyword: crap. These things are just material objects. They are not us. Western civilisation has given to death the status of the absolute end, while it is nothing more than the transmutation of energy. So people collect things in order to keep death at bay, they hide under tons and mountains of bullshit. One day death comes and finds them and those left behind throw everything away, or suffocate under their crap, harbouring the illusion of those things being the person that is gone. We have promoted material objects to people. Congrats.

What is it about death that scares us so much? Probably the dissolving of ego, the loss of personality. Why? Ha. I wish most people HAD some personality, in order to be justifiably scared of losing it. I am being mean again, I know, but believe me, you have no idea what being mean is about and I'd rather leave it at that. I however promise that at a later entry I might decide to analyse what good and evil means for me. You don't have to agree, of course. You don't even have to read it, so...

Night walk

Sometimes, late at night, the urge strikes me to go for a walk. I take my MP3 and off I go, letting my feet guide me. The place I live is close to a mount and a forest of sorts, but I walk the streets. They are a maze.

I walk quietly, or I might go dancing and singing if the song is inspiring and the mood is right. Most of the time I am what I strive to be in real life too: an observer. I walk by and steal glimpses of the lives of other people. I see their gardens. I stop and smell their flowers, or touch their trees. When a room has the light on, I stop and observe the house. I see what kind of feedback I get. Would I like to live there? I often wonder what I would be like if I had grown in that house and had been in the company of different people. Would I be different? Then I count the lighted windows, estimating how many people are not sleeping, much like I am not. Are they expecting something? Are they insomniacs? Perhaps they are guardians, even without knowing. Perhaps they are suffering, or making love, or staying up till late watching this or the other film. Or maybe they are tormented by others, or tormenting themselves or others. Are they happy? Are they sad? Do they realise time flies? Do they strive for the best they can, or they hold back, afraid of fate, others, themselves? Do they live at all?

I don’t envy the lives of others. I know I will never get to live their lives and don’t want that to begin with. It’s me I am always talking to/with. Through my eyes and personality I interpret reality and am content being myself. Yet there are times I wonder, how many of these people will come to be meaningful to me, how many will be indifferent or even enemies, how many of them will be my lovers, which one (if any) will be the one to kill me, though ill intent or otherwise. Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. Those are just questions to pass time. What does matter is that time passes.

Do you ever see me passing by? Do you realise I am talking to your flowers or myself? Do you think me crazy? Do you crane your neck trying to catch a glimpse of the glorious night sky which envelopes the whole planet? Do you realise how tiny you, me, we all are, how easily a tragedy can take place, stripping you bare from everything you consider familiar, from your security and preconceived notions of life? Do you tell to those people that matter to you how you feel about them? Do you spend a few minutes every day with the one you love, be it a parent, companion, child, pet, or craft? Do you let them know you are there? Or do you just let time pass, thinking about bills and wages and pussy and dick? Do you really care? Do you see? Not just look, but see? 

Open your eyes

The night sky is clear tonight and the stars are a sight to behold

The night is sweet, and mostly quiet, and smells of flowers and spring

The earth awakens

Every moment, with every breath you take you change, you become a different person, a different version of yourself

Every moment, with every breath you take, millions of cells in your body die and new are created and your consciousness is begging you to make that one step that separates thought from action

Open your eyes. Wake up from your coma.

This is your life, right here, right now. This is your life, so you might as well live it.

Open your eyes.

You might just see me passing by.

Goodnight.

Who did this?

Someone found my wish list in Amazon.co.uk and sent me every single thing that he or she found there. Thank you ever so much, but who did it? The parcels had no sender's name.

Renewed my links section too. Enjoy!

No, I will not moan today. Not in the mood.

Nearly forgot!

A few weeks ago fans of two different football/ basketball/ volleyball teams got into a huge ruckus and virtually kicked the living crap of each other. One person was stabbed to death and many seriously injured. So it is early morning, I am at the kiosk opening and arranging the newspapers, and shaking my head with disgust as I read these headlines. A friend of mine, Theodore, who's half American half Greek, is asking me what happened. I explain to him that this is the Nature's method of weeding out the stupid ones. At that point another person who hears this conversation butts in and tells me, "yes, and I can tell you exactly what happened." "I'm not interested", I tell him. "No, let me tell you", he insists. "I don't want to know," I tell him, "these people are idiots who get what they deserve anyway." "Yes, you are right," he insists, "but let me tell you what happened." 
This utterly stupid conversation goes on for another one or two minutes, with him insisting that I have to know and me asking him to leave me be. Finally he says, "you have to know because you are Greek." (!!!) Failing to see any connection between the two things, I turn around dumbfounded and ask him, "so what?" Please read the ensuing conversation.

Him: "What do you mean 'so what'? You are Greek, aren't you?"

Me: "Yes, so what? I don't give a toss about it."

Him: "You mean that if an Albanian comes and burns the Greek flag outside your kiosk, you won't care?"

Me: "He can use the flag to wipe his ass with it if he feels like it, I don't give a fuck."

This freaked him out enough to make him go and leave me alone at last.

I AM NOT GREEK, GODSDAMMIT. I am human. Do you have any idea of what human means? I am not Greek, female, orthodox Christian, or any of that social conditioning crap. I am just human. What does Greek mean, besides having Greek education? Greek ancestors? There is no such thing as a pure blood anything! There have been endless blood mixtures over the millennia and that's the way it should be, for healthy genes. Besides, modern-day Greeks can no more lay claim on the great philosophical and mathematical ideas of ancient Greece. At least, not any more than any educated person of any race can. That was two thousand five hundred years ago, people. Do you have anything recent to show me that proves a connection to those great minds? NO. Then shut up. Religion equals fear equals mental poison. And as for gender, it reveals nothing more about me than the fact I belong to the birth giving sex. SO FUCKING WHAT?!

I am only ONE thing, fellas, and get it right because I will not bother explaining it more. I am human. And God/dess knows, NOT PROUD OF IT. How could I? Take a look around and tell me. How could I?

Wearing pink today.

Got myself an account in deviantart with the same user name (indigojester). If you click at the first link on my links list, it will take you there. Advice: stick your hair with glue on your head before reading it, so that the damage does not show afterwards. He. Been racking my brains as to what to publish there. Then the fairy-kissed part of my brain got up and in all seriousness said: poetry. Surreal poetry of which I have a surplus and actual poetry. No stories or story ideas. Poetry doesn't sell, unless we are talking about Kavafis or Robert Frost, so the possibility of someone stealing my precious mental children is very small.

Perhaps photos of me in underwear would help. Perhaps photos of my feet, tits and ass would help even more. But for the time being I'll stick to poetry, I think.

Brainfuck

I watched the movie "What the blip do we know" a couple of days ago. I have not been the same since. Make sure to somehow see it: steal it, rent it, download it... I don't care. Just watch the bloody thing, to realise why you do the things you do, and what really stops you from being happy. Still here? Go grab it!

Androgynous men...

Photo by http://blueblack.deviantart.com

A little irrelevant comment.

I wonder what is it that makes me so crazy about feminine men, men with make-up, androgynous creatures, men who are in reality women (have two of them in my stories and I mean it literary, not cross-dressing) and gay men in general. Perhaps it is my gender confusion. Heheheh, in a recent test I took I got 36 points in how male my brain is, while the average for women is 24 and for men 30. Hahaha! Anyway, tests don’t prove anything at all, so back to my point. I am crazy about such creatures, (especially of the gothic type) though I fully know I will never have one such myself. Perhaps it is the crush I had on Darryl, that beautiful Scottish goth eons ago, when I was in UK studying? It was never really fulfilled, but it seems that it was just a symptom, not the source of trouble itself. Perhaps my androgynous soul instinctively looks for men who are aware of their feminine side and not afraid to embrace it? (even though it seems that the only thing the men in question embrace is fashion and their countless insecurities…) Perhaps I am a victim/slave to beauty and this will never change? Funny thing being, I am fully aware of how empty these boys/ men are in reality, how incapable of holding a decent conversation, how childish, high school-type-of-mentality this reflects about me, but cannot get rid of it. I don’t think I ever in my life will. I mean, look at me, I am past twenty-nine and on the way to thirty, and still dream of androgynous angels and goths. How sad is this? I do not mean that I should at this age dream of doctors and lawyers (God/dess forbid that I ever fall for such mainstream, slave-to-the-system “ideal husbands”), but since I fucking KNOW what the deal is with goths, why not get over it? I’ll be damned if I know. You tell me. At least I now am wise enough to realise that the outside is just a beautiful wrapping with no content. If there was something inside, they would not be goths to begin with. 

You got confused? Lemme help. Someone who dresses as a goth, or metal fan, or anything, shows nothing but the need to belong somewhere in order to be safe. I belong absolutely nowhere and am very happy about that. I revel in my lack of definition style-wise, religion-wise, mentality-wise. Anybody who tries to classify me is in for endless trouble. I do cheap, mushy, kitsch, pink/fluffy, classical, solemn, gothic, macabre, high aesthetic, surreal, even hippy, goddammit. I do anything and everything. “I am a chameleon of sorts”. I do a mix and match of things. I am. I am NOT a goth, an 80s fan, a lady of the castle, a girl in a kiosk, a mad erotica author, an absolute failure according to the standards of society, the next step in human evolution, a misanthrope, a communication expert, a heretical prankless Erisian, a perfect atheist, a reader of soppy romance or a fantasy geek. I am all of them together. It is a matter of dosage. I do lawyers and doctors too. I just don’t fall for them, if you know what I mean. And it’s okay if you don’t.

System of a Down: “Hypnotize”

New fb label (very informative!!!) *titter*

There is, in a sense, a tradition to this blog. And as my beloved Dorian (a serial killer and vampire in my stories) would say, “Keeping the etiquette is inevitably a good thing.” So the tradition for this blog is one funny text followed by one or two sad. People undoubtedly are caught a bit unawares by this habit of mine. How funny can it be to read something expecting to laugh and find the gaping maw of manic depression nibbling your toes? Or, for those naturally inclined towards melancholy, how disappointing it must be to one week read something familiar and next week to come across one of my surreal, graphic, humorous pieces? It’s like seeing this fella advancing towards you holding a pillow, only you are not certain whether the pillow contains feathers or stones. But anyway. As one of my new labels (that I use in friendship books) says:

Five facts about me.

• I am not here to be pleasant or agreeable. If this happens, it is purely coincidental. 
• Most “open-minded” people I know just parrot opinions they got second-hand with no personal experience involved. As for the “normal” ones, they bore me to sobs, goddammit.
• My Gods are funnier than your GOD
• Male/ male pairs make me wet.
• My inner pendulum swings between two “poles”: the Twins Eros and Thanatos (=death) and Chaos/Art. Which barcode do you worship?

Amuse me, impress me, make laugh, think, write my ass off. But please do not disturb: already disturbed.

I think that should be enough to actually scare “normals” and discourage a generous portion of the “open-minded” ones. Open-minded my arse.

To proceed with what I wanted to refer to, I am steadily losing the last connections I had with the human race. Or to quote myself from a letter I wrote today, “I used to care deeply about the human race. I still do. I just don’t like them anymore.” There is no connection save for the semblance on the outside. I used to feel pity for those who were in a difficult situation. Now I don’t, because they either brought this upon themselves, so I won’t spare any sympathy for that, or there is a useful lesson hiding somewhere in their trouble. Why should I feel troubled by other people’s life lessons? I have a lot of my own to feel pity for if I am in that mood. Moping about reality. How stupid can one get? What a fucking waste of time…

I am not in any specific mood for the past few months. I am slowly trying to find a new direction to push myself to, because I got rid of the old compass. This is how actual change happens. Fist one starts to feel that there is something wrong with things. Then one day s/he wakes up and the inner shift has taken place, and s/he is no longer capable of returning to the old patterns. This happens with no emotional fireworks involved. It just happens. The fireworks explode waaay before the actual realization of things being wrong. Finally, the person takes a new road, but just after the crossroads, there is a light confusion as to what s/he has to do while on this new road. I am exactly there now. Have to wait to see what has to be done. There is, however, one thing I know for certain: the majority of humanity can no longer surprise me, in a pleasant way, that is.

Words

If you really want to show someone how much you care what you have to do is keep your mouth shut and do things. Show with actions, not words. (Sometimes these actions include leaving the other alone.) Words fail. Words cost nothing. Words are such a bloody nuisance.

On a happier note (and to prove the contradictory nature of human beings) I have just finished a short story and writing it made my heart ache. Let's hope it is good.

Also, my friend A. who had been illustrating a short story of mine and recently finished it, has made a hauntingly beautiful cover for it. You can see it here. Thank you for making me feel so cherished, girl. I do hope we make more things together. Now let's pray someone will publish it...

And potatoes are vile

Just like tea is evil, potatoes are vile, which is a different word with the same number of letters and the same letters. Potatoes are in league with tea which is secretly in league with all the hidden terrorists of this world, i.e. President Bush. But I digress.

So, I managed to burn the inside of my mouth with one such vile potato a few days ago. It was not hard at all. Please everybody: a round of applause? Thank you. Your intelligent friend here (yep, that would be me) grabbed a potato from the baking tray and stuffed it inside her mouth. You see, when I touched it, it seemed all nice and cold on the outside, but then, as I started chewing, it revealed its sizzling hot inside. I felt like I had a shot of lava in my mouth, but like the idiot that I am, instead of spitting it out, I continued chewing. To be more graphic, I huffed, puffed, inhaled/ exhaled with my mouth wide open like a toad and making appropriate noises to indicate I was burning. One would only expect I would spit it, but noooo. I went on chewing nonetheless, my right hand fanning the inside of my mouth furiously, my feet dancing a mysterious jig of distress. It was the potato or me. The potato did not survive but left a legacy of third degree burns in my mouth. Now I am carefully considering my next trick. Who needs a hairdryer when one can stick his or her head inside the microwave oven? I'll tell you once I've tried it.

Tea is evil!!!

Oh yes indeed it is. But let me explain why.

After the virus infection on the 1st of January, 2007, I could not drink my all time favourite beverage, of which I drink gallons and barrels on a daily basis: chocolate milk. My stomach simply wasn't up to it. So I switched to tea, Lipton Vanilla Caramel tea with an ocean of honey in. But tea is evil. With water one knows the deal: after five minutes, one has to pee. (Actually, sometimes one has to pee just by listening to water pouring, no drinking involved.) Tea on the other hand hides somewhere inside my body and makes a cowardly, all guns blazing attack. One moment I don't need the toilet, and the next I feel like Columbus's Santa Maria has materialised inside my bladder. Combine this with the fact I am working +-12 hours a day practically on the street, at a kiosk, with no toilet handy, and you'll catch my drift...

Hyacinths

(Image by Yang Fan, http://jiuge.deviantart.com)

The smell of hyacinths brings death to my mind.

There is something about the smell itself, its oily sweetness that reminds me of a rotting substance. And something about the flowers themselves when they start to wither and lose their suppleness. Then the finger touches them and feels no resistance. They give way under one’s touch in a rather unsettling manner. Like a dead body after a few days. I love hyacinths, but just like human beings, I want to see them for small periods of time. Beyond that, I start to feel put off by them.

Everything has to have a special meaning. Everything has to be dissected and analysed. Magic needs to be trapped and explained using test tubes. Happiness measured by machines and explained in wavelengths. Each and every one of us so certain he or she is right. Each and every one of us eternally craving, eternally thirsty for something we can’t put our finger on. The water given for free and yet it never quenches our thirst, meat and bread set out for each of us on the dinner table and yet we trace patterns in the dust and ash instead of eating. That is the nature of humans, judging where they should simply accept and finding fault in all people but ourselves.

I am tired. I am exhausted and feel like I have been nothing but pushed around by howling winds. And the worst is yet to come. There is no time to rest. In order to break free, the butterfly must tear the cocoon. The bird must break the egg. The being we call human must tear apart his or her reality. All the things we take for granted are just the first layer. Layers over layers.

Oh how I miss the sweet taste of blood of the freshly killed pray, and the times killing was the most honest and justified thing in the world. We got civilization and added more layers, we mummified reality under false laws and false values, while once there was a time of innocence. If you did not like someone, he was the first to know, by face-to-fist contact. And if you craved someone he was also the first to know because you asked for pleasure. Children had no fathers, or rather, a host of fathers but only one mother and the main concern was remaining alive. Now we got laws and lifestyle and nobody eats his dead relatives, but rather digs the grave of the living by lies and hatred and half truths. And we are all civilized. Proper. Caring. Open-minded. Alternative and mainstream. We talk to those we don’t like and never say “I love you” to all those we really care about. We smile to our customers and cry ourselves to sleep. We live (?) in our little cement and metal boxes, gather stuff we can’t take with us and argue about the meaning of life. And one day we go away, one day we lie silent and still and those left behind try to understand why.

My tom-cat sleeps with his front leg wrapped around my right arm and purrs in his half-sleep. And he is happy because I am home from work and I fed him and rubbed his tummy. And I am happy because he is happy to see me.

Death is what makes everything so precious. Don’t you see?

It has come full circle. Goodnight…

For your information...

Added a new profile which I like a whole lot better. Apologies to all the people who have asked me to visit their blogs or sites and leave comments. I don't have the time to, am really really sorry. Maybe at some future point I will manage to work 12+ hours daily AND do more than eat, sleep and be miserable. Or be madly creative in the wee hours of the night due to being hyper and desperate...