Friday, July 24, 2009

Mistake

I am sure I have made a mistake somewhere.
It can't be explained otherwise.
It makes no sense.
All my choices, though valid, take me to dead ends.
I rerun this story in my head and yet find no escape.
But this is not how it was supposed to turn out.
No, it was not.

What have I done wrong?
Your hands, my beloved, look so immaculate.
What have I done?
My eyes cannot be read anymore.
You will never know.
Even if the time comes, you'll never know.
I'll make it gentle.

But late at night
When I toss and turn in my bed
Thinking over and over again
this sad turn of events, that might turn me
into the hand of fate
Who will take away my sin?
Who will grant me sleep?

Even you
the one supposed to love and forgive us all
the one who stayed in delicate balance
you ask me to do
what you could never.
You cannot absolve me.
I cannot absolve me.
I can only pray
that future will never come to pass.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Predicament


"I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster, I know..."

All bonds break
Reality subsides
All hell breaks loose
It all crumbles to dust
No turning back.

This body will eventually fall apart just like everything else and it won't even have fulfilled its purpose, which was to be loved.

I am left with no choices. You left me with no choices.

Loneliness creeps in and sadness pours down like a unexpected summer shower. Startling cold.

I was handed a sword. Entrusted to cut clean.
I did not refuse it.
"Fear cuts deeper than the sword."

I twist and turn in my sleep, pushing the nightmares away, flailing, gasping. Not now, I will not have those memories surface now. I will deal with them in my own time. When I am awake. NOT IN MY SLEEP.

One day it will all be gone. No more second chances. No other choices, no alternative pathways. Nothing. Void. Back in the Embrace.
Do you realise that?
Have you played the game well?
Have you done all you could?
Have you tried all options?
Have you given your best?
Cause one day you'll be gone. Gone for good.

No one will ever again smile like you did, with the same knowledge gleaming in their eyes. No one will make your favourite food or coffee like you did. No one will touch your lover, or child, or parent in the same way. Nobody will throw tantrums in the same manner or be sad in the same degree. Nobody will be able to replace you. No one in the world will be able to appreciate a moment the way you do. Do you realise that?

Do you realise your time here is finite? Do you appreciate every day? Do you give your best, or plainly drag your feet in a half-hearted existence? Do you understand, fully understand, feel to your bones the irreplaceable void you'll leave in your place once gone? Do you appreciate yourself for all that you are and do, every little quirk and gesture that make you unique? Do you comprehend that one day there won't be a next day to set things right, to apologise, to touch someone or kiss them, to say sorry or "I love you"? Do you really, truly understand that some people will never hear this from you if you keep postponing it?

Do you really think you are going to live forever?

Do you sleep easy at night?
Do you have secrets?
Do you cry?
Do you get mad when people smile at you?
Does anyone in the world hold you when you are alone and afraid?
Do you care?

Late at night, when I walk the streets with my dogs, my footsteps echo in the distance and manage to stir only dust and memories.
Sometimes I sing with my MP3 player shutting off all sounds and I wonder what my voice sounds like.
[A mad woman, an owl, someone calling out to ghosts.]

So many ghosts
so many goddamn ghosts
hordes of ghosts following my every step and me crying out like a monster, an owl with the face of a woman, a harpy, a miasma.
My hands weave spells secured by my voice; tightly woven intricate patterns of energy like some spider from a fairy tale or stories from the old, and I grow older with every passing breath and yet there isn't a single stone on which I can lay down my burden and rest...

Everything carries power and special weight
and I wish I could embrace you and show you my love
Break your frail, bird-like bones in my grip...

Tiny creatures
we're all tiny creatures digging a pitiful existence in the mud
our eternal loves and ideals swept away in a single blink of a dragon's eye
and yet the pride, oh what pride we have...

Name the reality drug that keeps you going
name the illusions that feed your ego and make you feel invincible
name the addictions you harbor that make your world make sense
and all these while our existence lasts only for a scream
and our souls flutter away blind
leaving as blind as they arrived
and it's all repeated into eternity.

Is it all meaningless?
Is it all futile?
All those years, were they wasted time?
Only time will tell.
Till the dragons fly again,
farewell...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Much needed inspiration...

Moonspell: Scorpion flower

Curse the day, hail the night
Flower grown in the wild
In your empty heart
In the breast that feeds
Flower worn in the dark

Can I steal your mind for a while?
Can I stop your heart for a while?
Can I freeze your soul and your time?
Scorpion flower
Token of death
Ignite the skies with your eyes
And keep me away from your light

Surrender tears to your mortal act
Flower cursed be thy fruit
Of your courage last
Of your grand finale
Flower crushed in the ground
In your empty heart
In the breast that feeds
Flower worn in the dark

Can I steal your mind for a while?
Can I stop your heart for a while?
Can I freeze your soul and your time?
Scorpion flower
Token of death
Ignite the skies with your eyes

In your empty heart
In the breast that feeds
Flower worn in the dark

Can I steal your mind for a while?
Can I stop your heart for a while?
Can I freeze your soul and your time?
Scorpion flower
Token of death
Ignite the skies with your eyes

(Song from the latest Moonspell album, Night Eternal. Full of my favourite themes: Lucifer, Lilith and darkness. The scorpion symbol an added bonus.)