Sunday, December 30, 2007

Breathe in, breathe out.


Music: System of a Down: Toxicity.

If I was my character, Dorian, I would have gone out hunting. The night is deliciously cold and crisp and it smells like winter. The air has a razor quality that cuts through clothes and freezes the face, but in a pleasant way. And the sky is such a dark blue that puts any fabric to shame.

If I were Dorian I would be walking out nearly invisible, looking for the one to kill, the one to quench my thirst. Not for blood. For sky. Killing is one more way of deifying one's self. However Dorian is a vampire, and that's a handy excuse for killing. A vampire is no longer human. It does not obey to the same laws a human does. A wolf is only expected to kill, after all. And we have lost the archetype of the hunter long ago. Or perhaps upon returning to the collective and diving back inside, it emerged as the vampire this time. The urban figure of the dangerous, alluring stranger. But I am straying from my original thought. And my original thought is related to killing.

My dark side is having a party. It is okay. I invited all my demons out to get to know them better. They talk to me, and the things they say are more than just tempting... They are delicious. That's probably the reason I will never understand vegans. Killing is a sacred act. Killing is not alien to our nature. I suspect that people would have a much better relationship with death and loss if we still had to catch and kill our own food. And as for all those people freaking out at the mere thought of taking advantage of someone innocent, there is nothing more tempting than the destruction of innocence. That's natural to us too, and only cowards would deny its pull.

I need to voice out my darkest callings. I need to let them roam free inside my head, or else I will burst. If thoughts were a crime, we would all be behind bars or in padded cells. Yes, I would love to kill, or scare someone witless. Yes, I would love to take something beautiful and destroy it utterly. And I would certainly pick the most beautiful and charismatic I could find from the human crowds, and also find them at an age I would be able to work on them as if they were clay. No, I would not kill them. I would turn their world view upside down and make them like me. I would make them worship their egos as the only god that exists in this sad age. I would create little viruses like myself and I would unleash them. And through the opposition I would only serve my part of the plan. Sad, isn't it? In all our glory and creativity, and though possessing the strongest weapon that exists -the human mind- we can only serve one of the two basic urges: love and death. Sex and power. We cannot escape our glands and genitals. We cannot think of something beyond that, and even if we can, human language cannot pinpoint it or describe it. Lovecraft tried to second guess alien gods. Arthur Miller and Arthur Machen tried to hint of Iago, to describe pure evil. The anti-saint. And all the average human can think of is money and pleasure. Sad.

At nights like this one I am happy. Content with the taste of winter on my lips and the sense of wild joy in my heart. As if I am the one leading the hunt, and there is a strong horse between my thighs and miles of snow-covered forest ahead of me, with no sign of humans anywhere, with no human city to be encountered ahead of me. Because they don't exist yet. I am happy to look at the night sky and watch my breath crystallise. I am fulfilled.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Olivier Theyskens.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel. That's what it feels like anyway. But the barrel is situated in the middle of hell, godsdammit. And it just gets worse with every passing day. I need to blow off some steam, but whenever I try to think of a suitable way, suddenly the possibility of jumping off the rooftop seems to fit the description perfectly. NOT the best way, I try to convince myself. Who's going to amaze the rest of the world with vampire soap operas if you jump off now? C'mon, you didn't do it when things were at the worst, you won't do it now, will you? Please my girl, don't think about it.

Yeah, right.

Myself: Magic words: Olivier Theyskens, Olivier Theyskens, Olivier Theyskens. Think of Olivier Theyskens. Think of sweet Olivier, feminine Olivier, talented, sensitive, intelligent, probably gay as pink hell Olivier.

Me: Yeah,OK. I am thinking of him. If I were a guy I would have an erection the size of Eiffel Tower. What now?

Myself: Are your nipples hard?

Me: Yes, they... HEY! What the hell is your fucking problem? What is it to you?

Myself: See? you are not REALLY suicidal. Otherwise you would not get wet, would you now?

Me: I have the terrible suspicion that the real reason I like him so much is that he looks like a bearded woman. And me, in particular. He looks like a bearded me. Unsettling.

Myself: NO, the really unsettling thing is that your actual problem is that you are not a guy so that you can have hot gay sex. With teenage elves. And that you secretly desire black panthers and imagine yourself in a perfect world where men would be humanoid felines. And you would have a harem of them, one of each feline species. Or that's the idea anyway.

Me: We all have our vices. Mmm... Olivier... I think I see what you are talking about. Yes. Tied up. And gagged. Certainly. I won't be able to maintain my state of mind if he starts calling me names in French. I will giggle non-stop. There goes my formidable dominatrix attitude. And my appetite.

Myself: And if he likes men?

Me: Not a problem. I will hire some help. As long as I can watch.

Myself: You need help.

Me: Yes, I know. I am crap at organising kidnappings. Anyone knows how to do that?


Saturday, December 15, 2007

My sweet tooth

Once there was a wisdom tooth that like most teeth resided inside a mouth. That mouth happened to be a dirty mouth accompanying a mind just as dirty; my own. Then the poor tooth died and the good dentist plucked it out. Now there is a hole at the back of the dirty mouth, and I am irritated as fuck. This has not stopped me from taking my regular amount of chocolate; about two per day. I need to sniff one of my cats sooon. It helps.