There is, in a sense, a tradition to this blog. And as my beloved Dorian (a serial killer and vampire in my stories) would say, “Keeping the etiquette is inevitably a good thing.” So the tradition for this blog is one funny text followed by one or two sad. People undoubtedly are caught a bit unawares by this habit of mine. How funny can it be to read something expecting to laugh and find the gaping maw of manic depression nibbling your toes? Or, for those naturally inclined towards melancholy, how disappointing it must be to one week read something familiar and next week to come across one of my surreal, graphic, humorous pieces? It’s like seeing this fella advancing towards you holding a pillow, only you are not certain whether the pillow contains feathers or stones. But anyway. As one of my new labels (that I use in friendship books) says:
Five facts about me.
- I am not here to be pleasant or agreeable. If this happens, it is purely coincidental.
- Most “open-minded” people I know just parrot opinions they got second-hand with no personal experience involved. As for the “normal” ones, they bore me to sobs, goddammit.
- My Gods are funnier than your GOD.
- Male/ male pairs make me wet.
- My inner pendulum swings between two “poles”: the Twins Eros and Thanatos (=death) and Chaos/Art. Which barcode do you worship?
Amuse me, impress me, make laugh, think, write my ass off. But please do not disturb: already disturbed.
I think that should be enough to actually scare “normals” and discourage a generous portion of the “open-minded” ones. Open-minded my arse.
To proceed with what I wanted to refer to, I am steadily losing the last connections I had with the human race. Or to quote myself from a letter I wrote today, “I used to care deeply about the human race. I still do. I just don’t like them anymore.” There is no connection save for the semblance on the outside. I used to feel pity for those who were in a difficult situation. Now I don’t, because they either brought this upon themselves, so I won’t spare any sympathy for that, or there is a useful lesson hiding somewhere in their trouble. Why should I feel troubled by other people’s life lessons? I have a lot of my own to feel pity for if I am in that mood. Moping about reality. How stupid can one get? What a fucking waste of time…
I am not in any specific mood for the past few months. I am slowly trying to find a new direction to push myself to, because I got rid of the old compass. This is how actual change happens. Fist one starts to feel that there is something wrong with things. Then one day s/he wakes up and the inner shift has taken place, and s/he is no longer capable of returning to the old patterns. This happens with no emotional fireworks involved. It just happens. The fireworks explode waaay before the actual realization of things being wrong. Finally, the person takes a new road, but just after the crossroads, there is a light confusion as to what s/he has to do while on this new road. I am exactly there now. Have to wait to see what has to be done. There is, however, one thing I know for certain: the majority of humanity can no longer surprise me, in a pleasant way, that is.