Contemplating...

I need. Constantly I need. Mental provocation, beautiful pictures, interesting conversations, something to busy my hyperactive brain with. I need something to keep me occupied. Boredom is not an option with so many different interests and yet I am tired of being the only one to keep myself busy all the time. Someone else should do that too. Someone other than me, a third party.

Sometimes I see all those people in fancy clothes and wish I could go out. The thought makes me very excited. Yet, whenever I do go out, the excitement soon dies as there is no-one gutsy enough to approach me. And even if they do come, they are just normal people, full of phobias, insecurities, stuff they try to hide. They are pitifully plain inside, even if outside they hold some promise. Yes, beauty is a form of genius and desire the only god I'll ever allow to drag me around chained. Yes, I am arrogant and conceited. I am pride and wrath from the seven deadly sins. I will not judge people for being plain or boring, but at the same time won't touch them with a six foot pole. No-one gave me my knowledge for free, no-one made me mature by magic. I have won every single bit of knowledge and maturity that I possess with effort, disappointment and pain, so forgive me for being demanding as to whom I spend time with. I am not average. But there is a cost to all this. I am alone. I have friends, but when I lie in bed at night, there is no-one in those dark hours. No friend and no lover can kill this beast late at night. My loneliness feeds me and kills me at the same time.

I know it is all part of the maturing process. I know I have to be patient and not worry. I know all those things. It does not make it any easier. Knowledge not accompanied by facts offers little or no comfort. I feel that I cannot connect to people on any level anymore. I don't know why. Time passes and I get lost deeper into the world of archetypes. Problems my friends have move me little or not at all and I have to do what is expected from me while wondering inside why I feel indifferent if not impatient with them. I go half hardheartedly through the motions with them while I may burst to tears while reading an article or a book. Is it me holding back? Have I become incapable of befriending and feeling for others? I really don't know.

My beautiful dragon, do you sleep curled, like I do, licking your wounds and shame? Would you share your shame? Since love is out of the question, then perhaps we can lick each other's wounds.

Come.

An alien

... landing on my head would hardly make me raise my right eyebrow, let alone crack a smile.

Found a new way to deal with homophobic people and generally, the kind of know-it-all-Greek people I despise. At the first hint of an idiotic argument that I hear (i.e. for gay people, the characterisation "not normal") I dramatically raise both hands and exclaim curtly and loudly "end of conversation!" This wins me a few surprised glances. It is okay. They do not know it, but it also saves them from a blunt object landing on their moronic heads. I can understand that every person has the right to have a head full of shit and brainwashed /pre-constructed vomit instead of ideas, but sorry, I will not deal with this if I can avoid it. They can keep their opinions to themselves and I will do the same for mine. No 'conversation' (parade of racist, homophobic and simply infuriating 'arguments' that defy any definition of logic) will torture my ears and brain cells if I can just skip it. Not for any other reason, but my blood pressure reaches the heavens and my hands start shaking with the adrenaline I cannot use to flatten their faces and give them a new point of view in life. So yes, I will be a fascist.

Between dream and frustration.

You smile at me. I wonder if you will do anything more.

I also smile at you. But will do nothing more.

So many days of our lives pass because we expect something to happen-and it does not.

You look exotic.

Please do not make me wait for too long. I might just give up.

Some people are fueled by frustration. I need fear.

The other can wait. He is not here. You are here.

But are you, really, here?

Please give me a sign.

I need this.

My reality has been the limits of my skin for too long. No-one touches me.

I promise I will never let you know you are not the one.

The moon is cruel...

I cannot change anything, and I try too fucking much to no avail.

Nothing is real.

Everything is real.

I think I have gone officially crazy. Rejoice, oh crowds. Where is my scepter and my crown? And what kind of army do I have under my command? To conquer which land of fancy do I march? To the death, to the death. Fantastic beasts curl at the legs of my bed at morning, watching over me while I sleep, exhausted from last night's pursuits. And my army has no men. Only willowy ladies who play the harp and dine with youth and beauty, leaving behind them senile men and wasted landscapes. Yes... It seems that my army run amok in this reality, hence its condition. Dry and humorless.

I went walking again last night. It is funny how my body from the waist down seems to belong to a different person. My legs guide me. I have no idea where. I just walk aimlessly. I pass trees and have this urge to punch them to make sure they are real.

I look at the moon and wonder how sick it must be from watching all this bullshit happening down here.

I look at the moon and see one of the female aspects of the divine. I call it 'mother'. Ha bloody ha.

I look at the moon and see dreams passing by from her face, like smoke in front of a window.

I look at the moon and see the earth's satellite, cold, lifeless and distant.

I look at the moon and shiver and sigh like a person in the grip of opium or malaria.

Nothing is real. Everything is real. You choose your dream, your interpretation, your reality. You choose your drug, your booze, your fix, your jail, your aspirations. You choose. Or that's what I think anyway. But choosing needs brain, some sort of mental activity going on between one's ears. *giggle*

Only death is real, expressed through absence. It is funny to consider how something as absolute as death is expressed through the negative of existence. Absence. It never fails to amuse me. Life in general, and myself, never cease to amuse me. I am a funny gal, it seems.

I feel like my very soul has left me. Went away silently, flying on transparent, velvety wings.

And A. is leaving for U.K. Go, my girl. Go. Leave this land of lunatics and idiots. Godspeed. There is nothing more for you to do here.

I dine with ink, pieces of paper and impossible wishes in the ruins.

I pray I will be granted the chance to follow.

The moon is cruel tonight...

The vacation is over.

[ Beautiful art by http://directors-cat.deviantart.com]

I have managed to see quite a few people these days. Which makes me quite happy as all these people are important to me. No matter how much I try, I cannot exist in a void outside space and time. I need people. And I dare say my friends need me too.

I spent some time with my best friend, and it was quality time. We walked around a lot. We sat in a playground late at night and made little shapes with small stones on a bench. We shared little moments of magic and joy and swapped humorous tales. He is a true blessing in my life.

I saw a few more people too. I will not refer to them one by one but seeing them made me happy. I burned their brains with beautiful photographs and pictures. We moaned and nagged and complained to each other. We agreed that no-one can sleep well after the two eclipses, and when we finally manage to sleep the quality of sleep we get is lamentable. We also all agreed that we need some major changes in our lives, but don't know when these changes will take place or what will appear. We joked to each other and promised we will kidnap each other; that the first of us to get out will just grab the rest somehow till we are all saved. Or that's the plan anyway.

I am blessed with friends who know how to listen, make me laugh, are talented, funny, giving, and remind me what I am made of when I myself forget. I am blessed with their kindness and understanding, their humor and creations. I am surrounded by an army of angels, some of them fallen, some tattooed and pierced, some with nasty habits and odd interests, all of them with dark minds and most of them with dirty mouths, too. I am a lucky woman because they put up with me, support me and never complain. This should not be taken for granted.

The only one missing as per usual is you. :-( I wonder when you'll finally make your appearance.

So fuckin' original.

[Mana from Malice Mizer, J-rock band, now has a band name Moi Dix Mois...]

Whenever I spend more than just a bit of time with my mother, we are at each other's throats like maddened dogs. Nothing strange about it. We have grown too close for comfort and familiarity breeds contempt. I wish I could give an end to this uncomfortable, meddlesome affair. But just like it happens with everything else in my life, I have to wait.

If I nuke this planet you will know I just got bored of waiting.

[Klaha, ex singer of Malice Mizer, after Gackt left...]

On a happier note, I have been downloading endless pictures of J-rock artists with Malice Mizer and Gackt being the center of my affections. *sigh* It never ceases to surprise me that such men exist. I never cease to look at them dumbfounded, their make-up, their clothes, their style... Their hairless bodies, smooth faces, almond shaped eyes... Why do Greek men look like apes? Ugly, no necks, just a head stuck onto their shoulders, fingers like sausages, manners like Ostrogoths on a raiding spree, and the permanent fear of being called gay... Why do their interests begin and stop at football and television? There are exceptions, of course. Like my best friend. But I am tired of this whole bullshit trade. I am generally tired of everything and everyone, this why I once more focus on that which I cannot have. To escape somewhere better than here and now. And then I have to return and it hurts non-stop.

Nuking the planet still seems like the only valid option. :-)

[ And Gackt.]

I needed that!

I discovered this band by accident. Not so much an accident, really, as I fell in love with their name and looked them up in youtube. You can call me shallow, kitsch, artistically blind, but hell they made my mood better. And you have to agree on the fact Eugene, the singer, is a cult icon. It is one of the most electrifying, stunning live performances I have seen in ages. My hips instinctively obeyed to the calling of this music and started moving by their own volition. People in the Internet cafe for the past two nights must have been thinking that I am having seizures. Whatevah. Enjoy, unless you are one of those constipated types that only respond positively to black tie events. There is just too much scrotal sweat involved in Gogol Bordello for your taste, so please visit some other blog. :-)

Eugene, marry me!

[Alas, how have the mighty fallen... heheheh]

Things not meant to be put down.

[Beautiful photo by http://girltripped.deviantart.com]

In the old times, women used to kiss the lips of statues in the twilight, praying to the heartless god of love. Nothing has changed, save for the fact we kiss old photos and computers have replaced the glorious, lush gardens of the past.

You come quietly at night to claim me, dressed in moth wings. Wearing a long cape of blood and memories. My velvet prince.

I miss you. So much that sometimes the screams I never utter cut my insides. Like a mouthful of broken glass.

You whisper my name in your sleep. You seek my face. My caress.

I call out your name in my waking hours. I need you to be here.

Yet we don't meet.

Sleep claims me like a coma. Life claims what's left of me. Onwards I stumble, determined to take it to the end.

We never meet.

Sometimes I try to imagine what you may be doing. If you are happy or sad, busy or bored.

It's useless.

It all matters. It's all futile.

I throw away old love letters and recently acquired phone numbers. Again.

You keep yourself perpetually busy.

I am tired all the time.

We both know what's going on. Yet I am talking to your photo and you are talking in your sleep.

We never meet.

Crowded in here.

Where is everybody?

Nuare smirks knowingly and lets some belladonna cherries fall into his chalice, then adds more wine. His nose is bleeding slowly, and he absentmindedly wipes it with the back of his gloved hand. He's really drunk, and yet he knows that if anyone in the inn gets any strange ideas about mugging him, he can break them in two in less than a second. This irritates him.

Seraph is too busy sword practicing with his teacher to notice the bleeding cuts on his body.

Dorian removes the last blood from under his nails and then dries the sink.

Filigree and Catkin juggle with knives that they throw to each other rapidly, taunting each other in a language no-one has heard in a very long time.

Lash removes his top hat while offering a single white rose to the girl with the violin. Its thorns are vicious enough to prick him through his white glove. Reality pulls apart gently in order for him to manifest in our age, like a curtain made of whispers.

Arunas tiptoes centimeters away from the edge of the roof, while humming to himself a traditional Lithuanian song. Should he lose his balance, the fall will be very, very long. He smiles quietly. He tried it just before.

Etielle finds himself over a torn corpse with no memory of what took place. Again.

Elizabeth listens to them all.

Blood and pain unite them all.

One homeland for all.

Myself.

Not again...

Feeling very low again. Not in the mood for anything. Need out.

But the way does not open yet. Don't know what to do. Feel that I have been condemned to eternal hell by the kind of life that I live. A hell specially designed to contain me, fetter me, kill my creativity and break me to pieces so small that nothing can stick them together again. Feel that this will go on forever and ever, till I am eighty years old, and I will still be waiting.

I want to break everything. Tear the house down. Break my head against the wall.

Freedom. Why is it so hard to have a normal life? Why is it so hard to do what I want? Why can't I ever be free? Why can't I have the things other people take for granted? Like, at least one day free per week? Or eight hours of work every day, not twelve, thirteen or fourteen hours every single day of every week?

Why can't I have the basics?

What the hell have I done to find myself in this position?

Why do choices, why does sticking to your beliefs has to be so difficult?

Why even now, even after all this time, the way still does not open? What do I have to do? I cannot wait any longer, I have absolutely no patience left, no strength, I have lost the will to go on, lost my sanity, lost everything, and the pressure increases instead of decreasing. I set both feet firmly down and do what I have to do, every hour of every day, I am surpassing myself in all aspects, I am doing things three months ago I considered impossible and yet I am still locked in my cell and feel like my wardens come and pierce me with their spears just to make it more enjoyable. What else is there to do goddammit? What? Change personality? Go stark mad? Kill someone? Kill myself? Start cutting myself up? At this age? Wouldn't that be pathetic? I am not pathetic. I am not sad. Fucking hell, I am not.

I don't need pity. Don't need sympathy. I need my freedom.

Give it to me before I come up there late at night, when I am asleep, and pluck your stupid feathers out like we do with hens. And then come down there and open you a dozen new assholes.

Gods dammit. I have a job to do and you won't let me.

Fucking hell.

Cat gone wild...

I think Mr. Adolf, one of my oldest male cats, has gone stone deaf. Every time he sees someone entering the room, he makes the mewing equivalent of an obese person accidentally landing on a bagpipe.

From zero to bitch in three seconds.

My feet are hurting because I have been walking for the past two and a half hours. I had a fight with my mother and I went walking with no destination in mind. I just did not want to see her for the rest of the night. Not very hard to do as it is Easter and she will go to church, while I will go home and get a nice restful nap till tomorrow. And hopefully tomorrow I will find a way to go the fuck away again. Anywhere sounds a fine destination. Fine indeed.

Unless I move soon, I will go more bananas than the whole of fucking Africa.

I am sad, angry, bored, ready to burst, horny and exhausted, all at once. If I watch one more Tokio Hotel video in youtube, I will start humping the screen, and I am at a public place, so this will not really help me with my reputation. The fight with my mother was really really nasty and I hate hurting her but she doesn't understand and no matter what I do she gets hurt all the same, and if I don't bite her verbally fast enough she will bite me first, plus it is Easter, which I hate, I hate all family and religion related holidays and celebrations because I never had anything happy to look forward to in these celebrations, still haven't, don't know if I ever will, I am really pissed off, I should go home but I do not want to talk to my mom if she is at home right now, I hate myself for believing everything my pendulum tells me (*though I have found out that most things turn out true, and if they don't, it's me asking the wrong questions*), I feel like kicking myself in the butt but I am not THAT flexible, and generally all is fine and dandy. I have fucked reality and linear time because presently I have a relationship with a guy who's not here, I have fucked up everything, this chaos magick stuff is messing me up bad, who needs drugs when you can do the impossible just by focusing hard enough and wishing for it to happen, the men of my life are not here yet and when they finally come they will not be any less fucked in the head and nothing makes any sense, I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN I WILL HONESTLY EXPLODE AND THE UPPER PART OF MY HEAD WILL TURN INTO A GODDAMN PINK BLOODY BRAIN HELICOPTER LIKE A WINGED PANTY LINER GONE WRONG@@@ FUCKKKKKAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!! HEEEEELP!!!

One of those goddamn nights you wish you were brain dead.

Seriously trying.

I am seriously trying not to pay any attention to the stupidity of people anymore. Seriously trying. But I fail spectacularly.

First of all, my lower back is killing me. I have been doing all the wrong things, not physically, but there are quite a few things that can cause physical pain although they are not causing any physical strain. And believe me, I am not referring to sex. :-)

Secondly, I am the first to admit I am opinionated. Opinionated as fuck, to be more precise. This is why I do not converse with strangers most of the time, because when they start blurting out racistic, homophobic or just plainly stupid opinions that they label "arguments" I want to kick them hard enough to make them spit their balls out. I do not have the patience to explain to them WHY they are stupid. I just want them gone from my view ASAP, and usually to make this happen I just start screaming obscenities. This happened a couple of days ago. Again.

Someone came to my work and unfortunately, we started a conversation related to gay people. He said, "I do not have a problem with them", which is the usual openminded-my-arse cover everyone uses to avoid being called a homophobe, "but one of them is staying in my building. And if I have a kid, what then? If he or she sees two men kissing, what then?"

Right you are, fella. If he or she sees that sight unfolding in front of them, the gay virus will immediately enter them through their innocent eyes. Those two men will get their gayness all over your poor kid and then it will be the end. You kid will become immediately gay. Next step will be to shave her head if it is a girl, let her armpits unshaved till they look like the hairstyle of the singer from Tokio Hotel, and buy herself a tank and a box of multicoloured strap-ons. Or if it is a boy, he will shave his legs, wear one of his mother's dresses (preferably a fuscia red one), pierce his ding dong and go out to satisfy his endless craving for you-know-what kind of meat. Nice, isn't it? Going through all the trouble and expences of reproducing because you need an empty canvas to fill with your complexes and stupidity, and that kid *squeeeeal!* turning out gay. Oh, the horror! Oh, the disappointment! I suppose that when you fuck your wife in missionary position a little voice tells you that you have signed a contract with God and your child will be "normal". Perhaps gay people come out when you fuck doggy style. You should check that too. One can never be too careful with these things.

Question number one: If your son sees two women kissing, is that okay? Because I have noticed that I see a lot of -supposed- lesbian couples in those magazines you buy because you are such a hard, uncompromised, manly man. I suppose this doesn't count. Forgive me. How stupid of me...

Question number two: If your kid never sees two men kissing and he or she still turns out gay, what then? Who's to blame? Who's to burn on that stake you have prepared already? Maybe your kid?

Needless to say, I told him that I hope a meteorite lands in Greece and eradicates the population, because they (Greek men) are homophobic, racist, religion-obsessed fuckwits. :-) Now go on and blame me for that.