You know, I keep wondering about it. Not that it changes anything, no matter how many times I preoccupy my brain cells in wrestling marathons with it. But I can't help but wonder.
Why very beautiful men are the way they are? Which means immature. Or stupid. Or too vain. Or too gay. Or whatever. My purpose isn't to make a list. Why? As soon as I see a truly breathtaking man, I almost immediately realise he's not relationship material, end of story. I have no delusions about changing them, saving them, or discovering a hidden, different self if I dig deep enough. There is nothing different no matter how deep and how long I may search. They are just unsuitable. Period. If he's very beautiful, there is something fundamentally flawed about him in some other part of his being.
But why is that? I don't understand it one bit.
I do have a life long regret that I'll never find the kind of man I dream about. Because the kind of man I dream about is the high maintenance kind of boyfriend. And that kind of boyfriend never falls for my type. They fall for the equally problematic type of high maintenance woman. Or the kind of woman they can relate to whatever issues they have with their mom or dad. And I am neither. I am too straightforward for such. And a part of mine is very, very disappointed and regretful because I know time passes and I must get my act together and look for the kind of companion that will be suitable for me, and not the kind of man I dream about.
If that isn't a contradiction in terms I honestly don't know what is. And I don't want that.
This is the basic reason I don't do relationships. I don't want any more half-hearted relationships with 'good guys'. No matter how lonely I feel, I refuse to do that again. Been there too many times in the past. Not again. Never again.
It's also one of the reasons I write. My longing for things I cannot have.
Well FUCK THIS.
There must be at least ONE person that is attractive enough, smart enough and kind enough to be my match.
Just one. Billions of people on this sorry planet. Just one? Pretty please?
Two would be even better but let's not get greedy now... :P
2 comments:
I have never been in that place place ever before... Had a short time relationship and it has been enough for me. He complained that I smoked, drink, got high, etc. And I am too straighfoirward about who I am and about what I do. Been hurt only once and don't allow myself to...
My mind gets busy with that kinda issues from times to times either... then I get of that state of mind and simply leave it behind my back. I don't care too much and I don't want to waste time thinking about that anymore.
Most certainly "Mr. Right" is a human. All humans have little faults. Maybe your "Mr. Right" has a little belly, is bald or anything like that ... but highly educated, humorous and with lots of interests. Who knows?
Don´t focus so much how a men should be. Men want the same as women: Accepted and loved for what they are. And this is usually not the outer appearance.
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