Ha, ha, ha. I have been looking for this everywhere.
by Neil Gaiman (from the book American Gods)
“I can believe that things are true and I can believe things that
aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true
or not.
I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and
the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen – I believe that people are
perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret
banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones
that look like
wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and
our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that future
rocks and
I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and
kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with
deep
problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is
coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to
state. I believe
that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that
they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going
to sink into the sea when
the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and
alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is
destroying our resistance
to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common
cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the
greatest poets of the
last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried
dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a
one-armed
Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I
believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s
aerodynamically
impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle,
that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same
time
(although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually
just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the
universe billions of
years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who
cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an
impersonal
god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her
girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty
and godless
universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I
believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it
properly.
I believe that anyone claims to know what’s going on will lie about the
little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social
lies. I believe
in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all
human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you
can trust the
legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust
the legal system. I believe life is a game, that life is a cruel joke,
and that life is what
happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy
it.”
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