All is violent, all is bright

The title is from a great God is an Astronaut album.

The mood is the following:

I am tired of existing in other people's heads and lives because of the thing I do for them, or give to them.

I want my existence to fulfill my own needs and desires from now on.

I want to leave a legacy of creation. Kindness alone is not enough. Wisdom and understanding don't fit the bill either. I want to be alive to fulfill my own being, but not through servitude to others anymore. I want to fulfill my own need to be served. I want to spoil myself, not by buying things to myself, but by quality time. Time from myself to myself only.

If I was to die tomorrow, what would be my legacy? The memory in other people's heads? Their kind words?

I do not want this. As I have said before, when my ashes will be traveling the planet, other people's opinions will not matter in the least. I crave creation. And I will turn the earth upside down if it needs must. I will enforce my will on reality if it needs must. Not enforce, but kick all obstacles aside, shove all those people out of the way. Out of my fucking way- you think I do not know who you are? You think I am not aware of the fact my weakness offers you flesh to secure your hooks on? Of your idiotic juvenile mind games? Well this is already changing- best to subtract your hooks or you'll be dragged and thrown with me into the volcano I am about to jump. Trust me, you can't take the heat. You don't have what it takes. If you did, you would be human beings, not poison ivy, crawling all over me. The tree you are riding is about to start walking before it turns into a pillar of light and fire. You have been forewarned- let go or you'll be singed.

I know this doesn't make much sense. It is okay. Just one last thing. I am not nice because I don't know any better. Being gentle is a conscious choice on my behalf- and one that can change at any given moment. Some people have already tasted that in an excruciatingly painful way. Don't add yourself to the list. Thank you.

PS I bought some gorgeous new books with the object of my latest desires, Gackt. I cannot resist but place a photo here- it is always soothing to look at something serene after the storm. If I was a vampire I would feed on beauty only... and if anyone feels like saying the "gay" word I strongly advise them to insert a few fingers up their own anus, in order to get some idea of what they are missing. I can always tell them how via e-mail, and I am sure they will grow to appreciate it.

ARRGGH!

Okay, that's enough. The Japanese version of amazon from the new year onward has a standard shipping cost of thirty something euro no matter if someone wants to buy a matchbox or an elephant- isn't that insane?! It used to be about five euro per item!!! GRRRRR *fuming* What am I, a devotee of Gackt going to do? Hell! I need my drugs (magazines with Gackt).

Katherine, save me. I need to go to Japan- it will be cheaper. If you see any hedgehogs or collie dogs following me discretely, shoot the bastards.

The twilight of excuses

Ever had one of those times you wished you were someone else?

I saw the movie Twilight. It really made me wish I was someone else. I won't refer to the movie. It was simply the emotional boost I needed to reach my present state of mind. Which is, I wish I had someone to protect me for once.

I don't need a daddy at my age. I am not looking for a daddy. But I am tired of always being the strong one in my relationships. Tired of being the one to give advice, understand, insist, retreat, encourage, look for hints, read the fucking cards. I wish I was normal.

No, lie. I wish I was brain dead .

I wish I could find comfort in my female nature. I wish I had been accepted, protected and loved when I needed it most. I wish I had a normal family when I was small. I wish I had not been destroyed by the ones supposed to protect me and not turned into what I am- someone disgusted and terrified by human touch and appalled by intimacy.

I wish I had lived a normal life, that's all. It will pass.

I am so ashamed.

I have tried so hard to create an intellectual profile. I have written entry after entry mixing semiotics with symbolism, the occult, culture, ecology, romanticism and depression. I have made my eyes bleed and my brains (the what?!?) melt with the effort to be serious and badass. Well now I am about to toss everything out of the window. I am deeply ashamed but will admit it regardless of the consequences, regardless of what people will think of me. I will fear no criticism and no comments, I will bear the pain, So yes- the cat is out of the hat now.

I LOVE CINEMA BIZARRE.
 
I love the fact they are over the top, gay, fluffy, glittery and absolutely-not-serious entertainment. I appreciate the ridiculous statements they make, i.e. "style is war". You bet YOUR style is war- to all 'manly' common sense. And I LOVE THAT. I am fascinated by the fact the singer looks like a rather ugly yet attractive woman and behaves like an annoyed schoolgirl primadonna. I worship the gay GOD Luminor who plays keys and just exists to be gorgeous in front of the camera and I will be sooooooooooo sad if he indeed leaves the band. I ogle the guitarist who wanders around in lives without his shirt on to make little girls squeal. Finally, I love the fact they try so hard to look like a j-rock visual kei band and miss their target by miles, thus accidentally creating a whole new genre: gay glam rock. I adore their style, pose and music because they are so fake and artificial and exaggerated that it is a crime of irrational proportions against any 'serious' music.

To shed some light on this mystery, I also adore Oscar Wilde. He once said, "to regain my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or become respectable." Cinema Bizarre are somehow all the ridiculous and nonsensical and artistically incorrect things combined together in one band. And this makes them perfect. It makes them ideal to wear on a t-shirt, especially if the person wearing it is of the over thirty variety like I am. Guaranteed to scare away any suitors looking for a good wife and mother of their children. Also guaranteed to scare away all those humorless types that appreciate strictly high culture and only manage to take a shit once a month. (There are rumors Alexander the Great and Adolf Hitler were also chronic cases of constipation, you know. I mean, if you can't possibly take a good honest crap like other people, you are bound to make someone pay for it.) Also guaranteed to make you appreciate irony, rapidly lose face and self respect and finally the last of your worries concerning how cultured you are. Like admitting in front of a full auditorium that you like to sniff your socks and underwear when you take them off. Or that you actively support extreme right wing politics. Something as bad anyway, guaranteed to stigmatize you for the rest of your life...

Okay, here is a video by Cinema Bizarre. You have been forewarned. After watching it, you'll be seeing little shiny thingies dancing in your peripheral vision for days to come. Those are glitterons and glamerons, particles emitted by such bands. If you are a boy, the glamerons will affect you in an irreversible and possibly fatal way, changing your brain wave length and forcing you to wear nothing but tiny tank tops and skirts with sequins and feathers for the rest of your life. If you are a girl, then glitterons will enter your body and will make you a faithful sexual slave to Cinema Bizarre till your last days. The only catch is that you won't be able to ever do something about it because they are all probably mostly gay. (No offense intended, I was affected by glitterons too so I feel your pain.)

Hey! Did I actually refer to the fact their music is very enjoyable?

I can't.

I can't put my finger on what's bothering me. I have been like this for days. It's like I am expecting something but I am not expecting anything, anymore. I simply exist in the center of a whirlwind. Envelopes arrive in the post-their contents fail to keep my interest for more than an half an hour at most. E-mails arrive in my inbox- I feel dissatisfied and bored to even read them, let alone answer them. People arrive at my doorstep- I chit chat and go with the flow. I don't really care.

It's not like I sit flat on my ass doing nothing. I am doing more and more important things than ever before in my life, but I somehow lost the silver thread that connects me to reality and my feelings. I run around like a headless chicken, confused to the utmost and delirious with need for something I cannot identify or capture. Someone may say to me that I need to find a partner, fall in love again- last time was in 2000. I will not accept this. I am my own center, my own person. If this happens again, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't. And anyway, I need more than those pale imitations of people that I see around me to fall in love again. I know the one I need, but he is so many miles and months away that it's like he lives in a different reality. So love is out of the question, and lust is not my cup of tea. What now?

Go on, I suppose. Eat lots of ice cream to deal with the hormones and punch all my pillows to deal with the disappointment. Right? Right.

Wrong.

Random thoughts- or, mad with this portion of the universe.

All those males who drive their car in a small street of a quiet suburb as if they participate in the fucking Dakar rally, making so much noise. Adding turbo engines and nuclear power units to the equivalent of a bathtub on wheels. Why not stick a big paper on their windscreen stating the obvious? "Desperate-Please help! I haven't scored for three years now. Don't remember what female genitalia look like." Admitting your problem is halfway to the solution-without referring to the fact some woman may take pity on you and save my ears from the pain and my eyes from bad taste pollution.

For those of you who wonder what I am talking about, you have seen these guys. They are a subspecies of subhuman driving a vehicle that looks like a crossover between an oversized ninja turtle and a miniature baroque spaceship. Those vehicles can also be traced from their strictly blueish lights. If you have not figured it out, those special lights are a way to signal to their mother ship, in the hope it will come and collect those poor EIFOWs who got stranded here by accident.

[EIFOW= easily identifiable fuckhead on wheels.]

Spiders

"All my dreams have been demoted to daydreams, all my desires have been promoted to obsessions."

Spiders...

Love letter

I have been watching pictures of you for the past half hour. The only question that makes some sense is, ‘how can you be so beautiful?’ How can anyone, for that matter, be so beautiful?

I have no answer to this question. Lately I seem to be collecting this type of questions in particular. It is a new bizarre hobby of mine. 

Someone may ask me who you are. It is irrelevant. I am not going to give any details because details don’t really matter. I want to focus on how you make me feel. I am sure all people with some light in their souls have at some point seen someone that made them shiver with awe, that near-terror feeling, so name, sex and occupation of the target of their desire is of no importance. I am referring to the feeling itself and how it touches me in a way I can barely grasp or describe in an understandable manner. 

You are so close to perfection that it is scary. The lines of your face almost form perfection. The smooth folds over those tight almonds of your eyes. The way those lips seem like little puffy pillows, soft and juicy at the same time, inviting me. Their light cherry colour signifies something edible. You make me want to extend my hand and press them lightly, test to see if they are real. If you exist. 

Kissing is a forgotten art and for me an advanced part of the foreplay; first I eat the other person with my eyes and try to capture their smell without them realising I do so. I often steal the smell of passers by, follow their trail as they walk fast, not knowing someone is following them. It is very erotic. Then, after I have had a first taste through eyes and smell, I start to chart someone with my fingers. Long after I have satisfied my eyes and nostrils and hands and also my ears through their little sounds, their shivers and whispers, it is inevitable that taste will follow. My mouth would open to taste you, not necessarily your lips, but the soft flesh on your neck and cheek and jaw. People have forgotten how to touch others, how they can use more parts of themselves than just the fingers. I can touch you using my face, my hips and hipbones, my breasts. I can touch you with every part of me save for fingers if needs must. And for such an exquisite being I certainly must.

What makes us desire? Is it just our glands and hormones, screaming for reproduction? I do have a body, I am trapped in flesh. I desire. But I do not desire flesh. I desire form. I desire the little wrinkles you make when you smile, next to your delicious lips. I need to eat you, not fuck you. I want to capture the essence of your beauty, the alchemical equivalent of your smell, the sum of lines, forms and matter that creates you as a result. I want to devour that which makes me want you. I want to capture the little wisps of air that brush against your face when you raise your eyebrows or momentarily blink. I hunger for your soul, not your reproductive organs. I lick my lips at the possibilities of what your life might have been like, of what moments had been like before we met. Were they longer, shorter, more or less interesting? Do you toss in your sleep? Do you just stare out of the window when bored? Do you, perhaps, make little sounds of confusion when you drop something? Those are the questions that keep me busy when I stare at such a face as yours. That, and the gut wrenching realisation that I will probably never find out.

It is the time of falling leaves

The moon tonight looks like a crescent night light that someone stuck onto a huge canvas- a canvas painted in various shades of grey.

It is the time of falling leaves.

I am falling. Everyone leaves.

It does not matter.

The city calls me at night.

It has a tiny voice, disguised as static.

Sometimes the city answers my questions in the form of a passing car with a particular song booming out of its open windows. When I wallow in my melancholy, there is a gentle night bird urging me on through its soft, repeated song. The disconnected, shattered phrases I catch from strangers, while passing by outside their windows or conversations. There are nights I hear the stars themselves tingling as they pour out of the womb of the universe and adorn the fabric of the galaxy. Other nights I only hear my own songs, or sobs. But those too form the voice of the city.

If someone was to pull the fabric, what then?

Isis unveiled.

If I was to reach out and get hold of one corner of the fabric of existence and then try to pull, what then?

Would I discover I am pulling at the flesh of my own face?

I think of Dorian, my vampire serial killer, and of how he understands the night in the city. The songs he hears and I can only imagine. Human voices forming a huge tapestry of sounds, spread thinly over a greater, thicker weave of noises, man-made or otherwise. Animals must stand out in this tapestry like altogether different threads. Different colour and thickness. And there are also sounds that do not belong to any man or animal, sounds that come from very different sources. Can anyone possibly imagine how someone like him perceives this huge, collective creation? If it was indeed a carpet or tapestry one would be amazed; all manners of materials crisscrossing and drowning each other, from the most expensive silk and gold thread to artificial wire and humble straw. Patterns created from a spider on drugs moments before it collapses dead; holes, missing and broken threads, tightly woven parts, parts the whole thing seems on the verge of spreading open, held together only by breaths and times gone; parts thick and oily and grimy with the stench of human toil and despair. What kind of museum will ever hold this tapestry? Are vampires, in this sense, our lore keepers? Is this their true punishment?

When you step out, my predator, does the human smell attract you and disgust you at the same time, the way certain bodily odours do it for us humans? Do you stop by windows, listening to the same dramas being re-played a million times from the dawn of of humanity onwards? Betrayals and promises of forever, pain and ecstasy, first and last breaths, do you listen to them? Your ears are sharp enough to hear the sound of hair, sharply whipped to the side by the flirtatious turn of a woman's head. But do you care?

I wish I was as free as you are. Because there are nights I, too, need to kill. I want to push my nails into someone's eyes till I feel them pop under the pressure and my fingertips are covered by a wet, gelatinous mass. I want to run after a breathless teenager and grab them by the hair-long sweet smelling hair, supermarket shampoo and hopes of getting laid-, stopping the escaping scream with a single, sharp pull. I want to drag them home and tie them up and use knives to carve their flesh. But contrary to me, whenever you get one of those urges you act on it. You do the killings for me and I keep the balance for you. You watch and I keep watch. You destroy and I heal. I destroy in order to build,while you build for time to destroy. Time watches over us both; but I am the tumbling leaf and you the stone.

There is nothing more to say.

Contemplating...

I need. Constantly I need. Mental provocation, beautiful pictures, interesting conversations, something to busy my hyperactive brain with. I need something to keep me occupied. Boredom is not an option with so many different interests and yet I am tired of being the only one to keep myself busy all the time. Someone else should do that too. Someone other than me, a third party.

Sometimes I see all those people in fancy clothes and wish I could go out. The thought makes me very excited. Yet, whenever I do go out, the excitement soon dies as there is no-one gutsy enough to approach me. And even if they do come, they are just normal people, full of phobias, insecurities, stuff they try to hide. They are pitifully plain inside, even if outside they hold some promise. Yes, beauty is a form of genius and desire the only god I'll ever allow to drag me around chained. Yes, I am arrogant and conceited. I am pride and wrath from the seven deadly sins. I will not judge people for being plain or boring, but at the same time won't touch them with a six foot pole. No-one gave me my knowledge for free, no-one made me mature by magic. I have won every single bit of knowledge and maturity that I possess with effort, disappointment and pain, so forgive me for being demanding as to whom I spend time with. I am not average. But there is a cost to all this. I am alone. I have friends, but when I lie in bed at night, there is no-one in those dark hours. No friend and no lover can kill this beast late at night. My loneliness feeds me and kills me at the same time.

I know it is all part of the maturing process. I know I have to be patient and not worry. I know all those things. It does not make it any easier. Knowledge not accompanied by facts offers little or no comfort. I feel that I cannot connect to people on any level anymore. I don't know why. Time passes and I get lost deeper into the world of archetypes. Problems my friends have move me little or not at all and I have to do what is expected from me while wondering inside why I feel indifferent if not impatient with them. I go half hardheartedly through the motions with them while I may burst to tears while reading an article or a book. Is it me holding back? Have I become incapable of befriending and feeling for others? I really don't know.

My beautiful dragon, do you sleep curled, like I do, licking your wounds and shame? Would you share your shame? Since love is out of the question, then perhaps we can lick each other's wounds.

Come.

An alien

... landing on my head would hardly make me raise my right eyebrow, let alone crack a smile.

Found a new way to deal with homophobic people and generally, the kind of know-it-all-Greek people I despise. At the first hint of an idiotic argument that I hear (i.e. for gay people, the characterisation "not normal") I dramatically raise both hands and exclaim curtly and loudly "end of conversation!" This wins me a few surprised glances. It is okay. They do not know it, but it also saves them from a blunt object landing on their moronic heads. I can understand that every person has the right to have a head full of shit and brainwashed /pre-constructed vomit instead of ideas, but sorry, I will not deal with this if I can avoid it. They can keep their opinions to themselves and I will do the same for mine. No 'conversation' (parade of racist, homophobic and simply infuriating 'arguments' that defy any definition of logic) will torture my ears and brain cells if I can just skip it. Not for any other reason, but my blood pressure reaches the heavens and my hands start shaking with the adrenaline I cannot use to flatten their faces and give them a new point of view in life. So yes, I will be a fascist.

Between dream and frustration.

You smile at me. I wonder if you will do anything more.

I also smile at you. But will do nothing more.

So many days of our lives pass because we expect something to happen-and it does not.

You look exotic.

Please do not make me wait for too long. I might just give up.

Some people are fueled by frustration. I need fear.

The other can wait. He is not here. You are here.

But are you, really, here?

Please give me a sign.

I need this.

My reality has been the limits of my skin for too long. No-one touches me.

I promise I will never let you know you are not the one.

The moon is cruel...

I cannot change anything, and I try too fucking much to no avail.

Nothing is real.

Everything is real.

I think I have gone officially crazy. Rejoice, oh crowds. Where is my scepter and my crown? And what kind of army do I have under my command? To conquer which land of fancy do I march? To the death, to the death. Fantastic beasts curl at the legs of my bed at morning, watching over me while I sleep, exhausted from last night's pursuits. And my army has no men. Only willowy ladies who play the harp and dine with youth and beauty, leaving behind them senile men and wasted landscapes. Yes... It seems that my army run amok in this reality, hence its condition. Dry and humorless.

I went walking again last night. It is funny how my body from the waist down seems to belong to a different person. My legs guide me. I have no idea where. I just walk aimlessly. I pass trees and have this urge to punch them to make sure they are real.

I look at the moon and wonder how sick it must be from watching all this bullshit happening down here.

I look at the moon and see one of the female aspects of the divine. I call it 'mother'. Ha bloody ha.

I look at the moon and see dreams passing by from her face, like smoke in front of a window.

I look at the moon and see the earth's satellite, cold, lifeless and distant.

I look at the moon and shiver and sigh like a person in the grip of opium or malaria.

Nothing is real. Everything is real. You choose your dream, your interpretation, your reality. You choose your drug, your booze, your fix, your jail, your aspirations. You choose. Or that's what I think anyway. But choosing needs brain, some sort of mental activity going on between one's ears. *giggle*

Only death is real, expressed through absence. It is funny to consider how something as absolute as death is expressed through the negative of existence. Absence. It never fails to amuse me. Life in general, and myself, never cease to amuse me. I am a funny gal, it seems.

I feel like my very soul has left me. Went away silently, flying on transparent, velvety wings.

And A. is leaving for U.K. Go, my girl. Go. Leave this land of lunatics and idiots. Godspeed. There is nothing more for you to do here.

I dine with ink, pieces of paper and impossible wishes in the ruins.

I pray I will be granted the chance to follow.

The moon is cruel tonight...