I can't put my finger on what's bothering me. I have been like this for days. It's like I am expecting something but I am not expecting anything, anymore. I simply exist in the center of a whirlwind. Envelopes arrive in the post-their contents fail to keep my interest for more than an half an hour at most. E-mails arrive in my inbox- I feel dissatisfied and bored to even read them, let alone answer them. People arrive at my doorstep- I chit chat and go with the flow. I don't really care.
It's not like I sit flat on my ass doing nothing. I am doing more and more important things than ever before in my life, but I somehow lost the silver thread that connects me to reality and my feelings. I run around like a headless chicken, confused to the utmost and delirious with need for something I cannot identify or capture. Someone may say to me that I need to find a partner, fall in love again- last time was in 2000. I will not accept this. I am my own center, my own person. If this happens again, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't. And anyway, I need more than those pale imitations of people that I see around me to fall in love again. I know the one I need, but he is so many miles and months away that it's like he lives in a different reality. So love is out of the question, and lust is not my cup of tea. What now?
Go on, I suppose. Eat lots of ice cream to deal with the hormones and punch all my pillows to deal with the disappointment. Right? Right.