Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I can't.

I can't put my finger on what's bothering me. I have been like this for days. It's like I am expecting something but I am not expecting anything, anymore. I simply exist in the center of a whirlwind. Envelopes arrive in the post-their contents fail to keep my interest for more than an half an hour at most. E-mails arrive in my inbox- I feel dissatisfied and bored to even read them, let alone answer them. People arrive at my doorstep- I chit chat and go with the flow. I don't really care.

It's not like I sit flat on my ass doing nothing. I am doing more and more important things than ever before in my life, but I somehow lost the silver thread that connects me to reality and my feelings. I run around like a headless chicken, confused to the utmost and delirious with need for something I cannot identify or capture. Someone may say to me that I need to find a partner, fall in love again- last time was in 2000. I will not accept this. I am my own center, my own person. If this happens again, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't. And anyway, I need more than those pale imitations of people that I see around me to fall in love again. I know the one I need, but he is so many miles and months away that it's like he lives in a different reality. So love is out of the question, and lust is not my cup of tea. What now?

Go on, I suppose. Eat lots of ice cream to deal with the hormones and punch all my pillows to deal with the disappointment. Right? Right.

Wrong.

3 comments:

Bruninho Psycho Angel said...

My beloved one, we have the same feelings... But I feel your "light" vanishing away! I feel your star no more... I feel your breath no more...

I don't feel you ike a headless chicken, I feel you like a balloon, ready to blow, near the "point of no return", going away with the wind.

Don't let the others tell you all you need is to fall in love. Just do whatever you think it's the right thing for you! But tell me something, I feel you fell that way, when your father died and all the mess involving it, right?

Belladonna Princess said...

waiting sucks, eh? don't worry my chief, it will all work out (for the good) in time...

rebelfilms said...

Kirana here - just to say one parcel of the two has just arrived. :) Thankyou sweetie!