Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Toxic relationships

Some relationships are toxic.
My most toxic relationship is the one I have with my mother.
I do my best to avoid toxic relationships, however it is very difficult to avoid the person I live in the same house with.
None of us is working right now and this means we spend a lot of time together. It's not quality time.

Many years ago, my mother decided to have a child in order to have someone to love and support her.
I am the 'lucky' child in person. 
She is not the first parent to make that mistake. A lot of parents think that a child will be a way to complete their happiness, expecting to receive a lot more than they are willing to give. A safe investment kind of thing. Make a child and it will make you happy.

Make a child and you will feel proud and completed.
If you want to feel proud and completed, nothing like taking a good shit to give you that warm and fuzzy feeling. Instead of making a child, add some fibre to your diet and drink lots of water. Satisfaction guaranteed.

I will never be good enough for my mother.

I am not good enough because my value as a human being is in direct relation to my weight. If I am thin and beautiful, I am good. I please her. Therefore she has to police my eating to make sure I'll keep pleasing her. Never mind the fact she is fifteen to twenty kilos overweight. That's another thing.

I am not good enough because I have friends she does not approve of. Right now, with me nearing my forties, she still expects me to spend time with her and not have friends. Or have friends, but you know, they should not be as important as she is in my life. And as she pointed out, what kind of person is happier to meet with her friends instead of spending time with her mother?

I am not good enough because I am stupid, I don't take notice of what's happening around me, a nonsensical immature little idiot who prefers cutting bits of paper and playing with stickers than doing something mature and more 'my age'. For example, watch TV by her side. Now that would be a mature and responsible thing to do, unlike writing letters and crafting.

I am not good enough because I am an introvert and I don't like mindless socialising. 

I am not good enough because I am 37 and still have not married and haven't had any children of my own. 

I am not good enough because it is perfectly okay to spend most of our monthly income feeding stray animals, but if I want to fix my glasses, go out for coffee or go to the doctor that's not really necessary or important. 

I am not good enough because my value as a human being is in direct relationship to how much I please her. Ideally we should be like conjoined twins and I should spend every hour of my day and every day of my life revolving around her, a blissful little planet orbiting around her pleasant personality.

You know what, mom?
Fuck you.
Fuck you and your ideas and your experiences and your understanding of reality.
Fuck you and your emotional blackmailing and your manipulation and your guilt trips.
Fuck your love under conditions.
Fuck your kindness under obligation.
Fuck you. I am going to find a way to do what I want.
I may not be good enough for you, but that's okay.
I am good enough for me.
I am good enough for my friends.
I am good enough for everyone except you, it seems.
And you know what?
I am perfectly happy with it. 
I don't need to be good enough for you.
I don't need you.
I just need me.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I feel you and I am just amazed how alike we are sometimes. If you will ever look for a new penfriendship, I will offer mine.