Tired
again.
Slept late
both on Sunday and Saturday and now I am sleepy and just a little bit cranky.
:( I am cranky because I want to do things and as per usual there are one
thousand obstacles, as if I am trying to kill someone. I don’t think that there
are obstacles because what I am trying to do is wrong, but rather, because what
I am trying to do is right. :(
I am more
than 84 kilos, which is not good. I ought to eat something sweet to drown my
sorrows. ;D Ha ha!
Somehow everything is useless, and somehow everything matters. I do so many things, try so hard,
and see no change whatsoever, no improvement in my life, nothing better,
nothing different, as if I don’t try at all.
The
temptation not to try at all becomes very strong sometimes. Why try? It’s not like
something is going to change anyway, so why even bother? But if I do nothing,
I’ll most definitely go mad.
Last year
around this time I was trying to help a kitten live, and he didn’t make it.
Don’t pat me on the back and tell me that I tried, I know I did. And just as he
had started purring while we were feeding him, he died.
Now don’t
you dare fucking tell me that I tried and that’s what matters. I am going
to rip your fucking throat out because what really matters is that no matter
how much I try, it’s to no avail. And that matters a lot more than any effort I
make. Result carries a lot more weight than merely trying and trying, and the
result was, once more, death. For all my efforts, once more, death. And I tried
so much with him.
Sometimes I
am certain that the reason I came to this world was to have my heart broken
into a million pieces again, and again, and again. I am not sure if I can find
the pieces anymore, let alone put them together. I am just here so that someone
can be amused, and use me as a chew toy. Beth thinks she is Loki’s chew toy and
this enrages me, but it turns out I am no better. Just a chew toy. And no
matter how much I try, and try, and try, nothing will ever change, and I’ll
never find the one responsible and kick their ass until it gets wrapped around
their heads. Unless I go, and then what’s the point? If I am already dead,
there is obviously no point.
“I still
catch myself being sad over things that don’t matter anymore.”
If that
makes me human, what the fuck is it that makes me happy and whole?
At least
the ‘Umbersun’ is playing, and it soothes my heart with its darkness. Thank
fuck for Elend. I would have written, “thank god”, but tonight god can go fuck
himself as far as I am concerned.
There is
one thing that can calm my heart, going to the rooftop again. Looking at the
stars somehow makes it all better, and then once more nothing makes sense. In
the rest of my life absolutely nothing makes sense. It never did, yet in the
past I wasn’t as tired and sick of everything as I am now. I know right from
wrong, I know the value of each thing and at the same time nothing of what I
know by heart and by instinct applies to the world I live in. It just makes no
sense. My inner compass is so strong, so certain of what I must do and why I
must do it. So I follow my inner guidance and what happens is that I am
merely saved in the nick of time, or put on waiting forever, or I am thrashed
around perpetually for good measure. Nothing comes to fruition, nothing grows,
nothing happens, I just exist to be used as someone’s amusement.
Is this
fucking war? And if it is, where are my reinforcements?
If any of
you knew how tired I am. All those people who chat with me and laugh at my
jokes and thank me for my swaps. I am so, fucking, tired, that I hold it
together by the skin of my teeth and not even that, I am slipping, slipping,
slipping, and losing it, I am losing it all, meaning, purpose, sanity. Hope was
the first to go. I try to function on an everyday basis for the sake of my own safety
and sanity, I try to function and try to be polite, and try to be nice, but
there is no end to my despair, no end to my anger. I am hollow and blackened
and dead inside, disillusioned, dead, so fucking dead, I feel 90 years old and
used and wasted and stupid, the only person who didn’t get the joke in a room of laughing people. There is nothing funny here, nothing funny at all,
just stupidity and shallow, scared people, putting on a show for the sake of
society, putting on a show for the sake of faces, and they are the real
monsters, they are the real hollow ones, and I want to kill each and every one
of them, I want to strangle them with their expensive handbags and crush their
bones using their expensive cars, I want to flay them and tear their eyes out,
I want to do terrible things to them and I keep it together, keep it down, keep
it secret and cool and keep smiling and nodding and walking and eating and
going to work every day as if it changes something, and it changes nothing. It
changes nothing. And they won't let me be. He comes to me, blind, blind as the
rest, lazy, chasing his own tail, pretending to be alternative, in reality just
another pitiful junkie of his own self- loathing, and asks me for my opinion,
and I want to be so mean, I want to spit on him and kick him away, and it’s not
my place to be mean or to be his therapist and so I shut my mouth. And she
comes to me demanding that I take my dog away, because her grandchildren are
coming and they are afraid of a 15- year-old fat dog with arthritis that can
barely move. And she demands that I take the dog away NOW, and I want to grab
her by the hair and knock her head on the opposite wall, because she has turned
her grandchildren into crippled, useless individuals. She lives in a country
that you can’t go anywhere without coming across stray dogs, and unless they
get familiarised with dogs they won't be able to go outside their home without
being scared; still she claims I am the weird one and don’t understand. So I
once more shut my mouth. But one day I won’t be able to shut my mouth anymore,
and unless something happens to convince me that there is indeed some kind of
universal, higher justice than the one I hold in my hands, someone will die or
end up in hospital. And I try not to let that happen if I can. But if it
continues going likewise, then I won’t be able to keep it together for much
longer. So if there are indeed reinforcements on the way, now it would be a
good time for them to show up. Or even better yesterday. Know what I mean?
