It could be funny. Mindlessness is an art I excel at lately. I spend money to avoid thinking. I buy myself magazines with Japanese rock stars, CDs, cute stationery; what most men would call cute pink crap. I look at pink frilly little designs. The child inside me, cornered, frustrated, sad beyond words, for a moment sighs with relief. A small pink breath for her and I wish, I wish I could connect with her again and tell her it's going to be fine. I don't dare connect because then I will cry non- stop for everything, for all the things that life has turned me into, for all the things I wished I would be and never came to be, for all those moments I fail to face the world with an open heart and my eyes filled with innocence and thirst. Like she would.
I am so sorry sweetheart. I am so sorry for the things that have happened to you and for the pain you had to go through. I am also sorry for the times you will be disappointed in the future, because, you know, that's human nature.
But that's not how it was supposed to be.
It's not.
I wish I could tell her it's all going to be fine and believe it myself.
I wish I did not have to cry in the middle of the fucking net cafe like a goddamn idiot.
She doesn't want kawaii stationery. She wants to be loved.
She is lonely and scared and wants someone to hold her.
I am so very sorry sweetheart.
So very sorry.
3 comments:
How many times do you feel this, darling? How many times do you go further within you, thinking about all this?? Why don't you try to stop and do a restart on your heart, brains and feelings?? Or try at least.
Not for the chuld within you, but for the woman you are... You deserve better!! ^^
with love,
Bruno
*** Many hugs and kisses to both of you ***
It's hard to understand oneself, sometimes...
I've been told they call that schizophrenia...but are you schizo when you know that you are. I wonder...
By the way, I hope the little things I sent by post will please the self in you who like make-believes... ;)
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