Restlesness

For the past one month I have been on the lookout, continually deflecting psychic attacks from someone. "Attacks". Hmm. Not attacks. Not direct attacks. That would be a lie. Someone was "checking" me out after a reiki therapy I did to him. No problem with that. But then he decided to turn this into a power game. It was partly fun and partly stupid. Spells started flying to all directions. As soon as I realised what he was up to, doors were repeatedly shut at his face, to keep him off my case. He is perhaps as stubborn as a mule enraged by a three hour beating, if more. Amazing, I said to myself.

I closed all the doors I have to my conscious self.

He went dreamwalking.

I shut him off my dreams.

He wove spells.

I tore them apart.

He used other people trying to once more reach me.

I shut those doors too. On top of that I had to give therapies to those people as they were contaminated by his shitty energy. Power games= ego= left path energy= shit energy.

We reached the point of him using one of his friends to borrow energy in order to re-open the doors to me.

Ah, great, but sorry my friend, I have a water dragon who acts as my protector and I did not even ask him to; he simply wants to. I did not need his help, I think I could put you both down single handed if needed, but he butted in anyway. You see, he too received help by me and he feels obliged to protect what he understands as a woman against two men. Different mentality I suppose.

And the grand finale? The discovery I made three days ago about a spell blocking my erotic life. It was then that I've had it with this person and finally got permission to explain to him a few things up close and personal. I never attack, I always deflect and ignore. But this time it was different. I have no idea exactly what I did to him, but I know he deserved it. I hope it was very painful for his pride. I do know two things; one, he got me furious and he should have avoided that because I only helped him, and two, there is possibility of him being in the hospital right now. This second thing I hope is not true, but he should let sleeping tigresses lie, not step on their tails repeatedly.

I'll keep my ears perched, and if he indeed is at hospital I'll give him another therapy. *snigger* :-P

I don't want to be funny.

I have thought of two different funny posts but I don't feel like being funny. I will be funny some time in the future, when the stars are right. In the past days the stars are right only for biting off people's heads. Judging by their behavior, they don't need them anyway. They are just empty spaces, well aired and with plenty of light inside, due to their ears and eyes.

It is amazing. I work at the kiosk. Some guy in his sixties comes whenever he walks his dog and tells me he is the son of god, this is why he will be elected Prime Minister. It is valid the other way round too, from what he says. He will become Prime Minister and this proves he is the son of god. He gets very insulted if I don't agree, so I agree. He also tells me he will make sure I start working in the TV. Okay.

Another thing that defies my common sense. I sell chocolates at the kiosk. The weather has the tendency to change from one day to the next, from cool to rather hot or even stifling. So I had not stored the chocolates in the fridge yet. A lady comes, buys a chocolate and after one minute returns it and tells me "this chocolate is soft". Yes madam, chocolate has the tendency to be soft when the weather is hot, dunno why your brain cannot inform you this is the case. Unless it is not chocolate and it is cement or soap neatly wrapped in a chocolate wrapper, CHOCOLATE WILL BE SOFT WHEN IT IS ALMOST THIRTY FUCKING CELSIUS DEGREES OUT THERE! Does it take more than half a fuckhead's brain to realise this? Unless you expect YOUR chocolate in particular to be an exception to this universal rule. Don't know how this is achieved. Perhaps with a negative gravity field installed in each separate chocolate, with tachyons running around to keep YOUR chocolate cool and dandy. If you find out how the hell this is done, I am interested. I want to install one such system exactly between my legs, to keep my pussy cool and well-aired. There are days in the summer that if I remove my underwear and wring it, I can fill a bucket with the sweat. So it would be perfect. I can already visualise the effect. The gentle breeze making all those cobwebs down there fly like white sheets, washed and placed on the line. All we need is Monica Belucci placing those sheets on the line and we have an Italian drama for the next century. But this is just a humble kiosk and not NASA, so I would appreciate it if you did not expect chocolates to behave like insistent hard-ons when the heat is abnormal even for Amazon Indians. Is this too much to grasp?

I hate summertime. I hate the heat. The sun is kicking my retinas as if it's trying to score for the World Cup. Everything stinks. The garbage bins stink, my dogs stink, people stink. They are too manly for deodorant in this country. You walk into the bus and there is an array of exposed armpits waiting to get you, due to their owners happily holding the roof handles. It's like walking into the Prom of Ninja Academy. Silent and deadly, all of them, gathered to make you pay. Attacking you relentlessly, mercilessly. You can even smell their lunch in the armpit odor. Garlic. Salami. Onion. A true joyride. WHY? Why spend the summer in Greece to have every idiot kung fu my nostrils because he had an argument with his bathtub? And when I finally go home and lie exhausted on the warm sheets, my nine kilo (twenty pounds) fluffy orange tom cat comes and sits on my face. NO. Absolutely NOT. I am not Hugh Hefner and you aren't the 2009 Playmate, mate. Go sit somewhere else. Like the other end of the room in the exact opposite part of the house. You are adorable but too hot.

BETRAYAL! This is, after all, a funny post.

I need to get laid. I need to get laid. I need to get laid. You wouldn't have been able to tell, would you now?

Farewell

I wish I had more actual things to refer to rather than dreams and happenings in other planes of existence. It's not that I disregard those. I am fully aware of the importance of dreams and how they are as valid as "real" life, if not more. It is myself I have a problem with concerning dreams. I can't help but think of myself as a miserable idiot counting dreams instead of actual deeds. Which is funny, as I always go for the quote "as above, so below." I know that all changes happen to the inside first and then the environment, what we call reality, changes to adapt to ourselves. Dreams are as important as real life, they are a second life, much more attuned to the divine spark inside than daily existence. And yet, when it comes to my dreams, my experiences, I always question my motives. "Question my motives". Yeah, in the manner of a officer of SS interrogating a saboteur.

"Perhaps you WISH to be able to do what you think you are doing."

"Maybe you LOVE to live your little personal dramas and you are nothing more than a DRAMA QUEEN addicted to her own pain, real or imagined."

"Oh yeah, let's SUPPOSE you did that. I you were THAT powerful, don't you think your life would be different?"

"Of COURSE that happened. Who do you think you are, the next fucking MESSIAH? Wake up from your reverie little deluded girl, you are not Buddha with boobs."

No-one can be as merciless as I am. Nobody can hurt me the way I do. None can pull the carpet from under my two feet the way I do it. I am unforgiving to myself. I grew up learning to disregard anything that I could not prove, under continual suspicion of me being incapable of dealing with reality. I learned not to trust my instincts and thoughts, not to pay attention to gut feelings unless there was a practical usefulness to them. And there was none. I am still fighting tooth and claw to UNLEARN these things. The power of conditioning is just beyond description. There are times I have hurt myself physically, I have reduced myself to nothing, absolutely nothing, while the voice of the interrogator kept spitting accusations non-stop, hitting me under the belt in the manner only I myself am capable of. Nice, isn't it? Your own private tormentor installed within your head thanks to your family, married with you and living happily ever after inside your thoughts, chewing at your self-esteem until you go stark mad. Until you want to knock your head on the wall to fall unconscious and make that cold, precise, merciless voice SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

Today was hard. Very hard.

The only way you can regain control of your life is unlearn these patterns and conditionings. All manners of crazy things take place during that process, ranging from trivial to unbearable. Usually the installed 'program' starts behaving like a virus, attacking the host, making you feel like you have gone bananas. Outbursts of violence towards one's self are not unusual either. I have experienced very interesting side effects. However, I am a very stubborn person. No-one will have control over me to the degree this is possible. And certainly not my ego, not my patterns and other people's misconceptions installed inside me. Therefore, I cringe my teeth and onward I march, pressing it to the end. I will get rid of this shit from my head. I need to be free! I need to reclaim my being from three disturbed people that are my family. If I am to be disturbed, at least I will be serving my own vices and the voices of my own head, not theirs.

I feel like I am walking in a desert during a terrible sandstorm. I almost have no idea where the ground and where the sky is. I am continuously attacked by howling winds, I cannot see a fucking thing, the sand is inside my mouth, eyes and nostrils, my tongue is so dry that it feels like a piece of cotton wool, my lips are split from the heat and sand and I taste my blood every time I open them, I cannot swallow and the sun batters my head mercilessly in spite of the goddamn wind. I stumble on, having no idea whether I am on the right track or not and no proof this is the right decision. I mumble and curse on the inside, feeling a growing despair that since I have no way to verify my direction perhaps I am walking towards the center of this desert instead of the oasis. Needless to say, if this is true, I am as good as dead. And yet I have no choice, I need to press on. I cannot live with myself the way these people have distorted me.

This is the problem with the journey of self-discovery. There are no guarantees, there is no safety net, no assurances, no do-it-yourself little help book with directions. "Here be dragons" and I knew it. With that in mind, someone would have expected I would take any and every scrap of help I could summon. But this is my journey, my soul's journey. Other people cannot help. And today was particularly hard for me because I knew what had to be done. This beautiful creature that came to me some time ago, this water dragon that had encircled himself around me like a ring of protection, had to go. He came to help, and his intentions are pure, and he wanted to show his gratefulness for the therapies. And more than anything else, more than sanity itself, I NEEDED him to be here. I needed him to be close to me, not because I cannot protect myself, but because I am so lonely that it feels like actual physical pain. A pain like someone is tearing off bits of my soul. I needed his being here because he is the only one who has approached me to protect me and soothe me in any way he can, although he cannot soothe his own pain. And I needed his being here because I need a companion more than dear breath, this agony inside cannot be ignored anymore. I knew I could trust in him. And once more I took the hard way, once more I did what felt right. I asked him to go away because I have to go through this alone. He did not want to go away. He even thought I rejected his help, which god/dess knows it is not true. However, he needs to learn to love himself for what he is, not because he is useful to others. And I need to concentrate on here and now. He is not here now, he is not an actual person in my life. Perhaps one day he will be a real person, someone in arm's distance. Someone that can curl next to me in bed and will sleep with his breath caressing my arm and I can smooth his hair and watch over him, just like he did for me. But this is not now. The desert is now.

Will you ever forgive me for sending you away?

The name of the game

[A note concerning the video. All the wounds on the singer's body are self-inflicted. Please DO NOT WATCH IT if you are put off by such a thing. And while you are at it, don't read the entry either. It will be of disturbing quality.]

There is sadness and sadness.

There is sadness that is a temporary wave, a fleeting, passing fragility, like a moth touching one's cheek on the way out of a room. And there is sadness that has those roots that reach down, down within, entwined and thick and tightly enclosing one's soul in a lover's embrace, in an odd unbreakable love knot. You learn to love this second kind of sadness because you cannot part with it. You cannot tear off those roots without tearing bits of yourself, whole chunks of your being, without denying what you, essentially, are. "What brought you here". What shaped you into your present form. God/dess forbid I would ever refer to the emo movement. No. I am talking about the sadness of poets, visionaries, artists, of those mad, broken and burned beyond repair. Those who have lost too many loved ones, those molested or regularly violated, those who see things. It is the inevitable sadness when the world you see with the eyes of your inside has absolutely nothing in common with what you see around you. The feeling that makes you kneel and moan because it essentially means your very being is forever branded with the mark of isolation.

I have always loved my sadness like the leper learns to love what cannot be changed. This does not mean I enjoy it. There are days I would give anything within my possession to be able NOT to share my life with this permanent visitor. Yet I try not to complain, for I see things and taste emotions on the overdrive exactly because of it. Happy or not happy, I always overflow with feelings. My joy is violent like a drug; my melancholy deep like red wine. Madness, when it strikes, is a tidal wave. It sweeps me off my feet and sends me sprawling on the floor. One such night I took the right turn by accident. That's what I want to refer to tonight.

Some months ago I was on the floor of my room, tearing at my hair. It was well in the a.m. and I was trying to mute my screaming in something that would not make the people of the second floor jump out of their beds in horror. The joy of flats- one is not even allowed to scream and yell their pain out. As a result I was down on the floor letting gurgling sounds, while breathlessly punching things and flailing. My crises are quite clockwork; the pain builds and builds and just has to be released somehow. This leads to me simply losing it. However, that night was different. Because I did something I have never done before. I started writing things on my arm using a razor. "I need you. I am in hell. Where are you? Please help me." Those words were aimed at someone out there whose name and face I do not know, but I do know he (or perhaps she) is looking for me, needing me in the same way I need them. What my lips would never speak out loud was written in blood, because I cannot escape forever my need for another being in my life. Still I will probably never say these words to another human being. I simply cannot, in the same way I cannot reach into that part of my heart and claw till I tear off that need. I would if I could; trust me. So I wrote what I will never say. Writing, after all, is my precious bane.

Much to my surprise there was a response. In a dream. My dreams are a huge map of the impossible and the improbable, trapping things from the ether and dragging them all the way down in this reality. What arrived was an answer to my distress signal but I only realised now, that more things have fallen into place. And it's still far from being real, but at least now I know what it is about. Or do I?

In that dream, a gigantic being landed on my rooftop, almost making the building collapse under its weight. A dragon. Light orange and light cypress green on a beast that looked like a crossover between a Chinese dragon and a koi, those sweet Japanese goldfish. Huge fins that almost resembled wings, floating around him like fabric. He levitated effortlessly in mid-air, like swimming in heavens instead of the sea. He was following me around throughout the dream and I thought that he wanted me to do something for him. I am used to that. People coming to me and asking for things, never giving anything back. With the exception of my very close friends, that's what happens. I only recently managed to shift my perception concerning that matter and comprehended for the first time that he had arrived to help me and not the other way around.

So, a water dragon came to stay. He was the only one taking my therapy and offering something back, pressing me to accept his help. He is also the only one whose intentions are pure. He made me wake up crying just one night ago for he is even more unused to accepting love than I am. Like a tree that prefers not to drink water or a fish that tries to swim on the pavement. I was crying over the roots of that tree, begging it to drink the water I was offering it, shifting the soil at its roots which was bone-dry like sawdust. Mingling tears with the water I was pouring, knelt on the soil and sobbing from the deepest core of my soul. "Please drink. You will die. Please drink, I am begging you. Drink. You will die if you don't. I am begging you." Woke up with my chest into a knot, but the soil was moist. Perhaps he will drink. Perhaps he will not. I cannot help him understand. I can only love with no strings attached like I always do for all people and hope for the best for each of us, whether I will ever meet him in flesh or not.

The night after the therapy to him, I went to the rooftop for a while. The night sky was clear and beautiful. Only two clouds were visible- two oddly shaped clouds that looked like two fabulous beasts chasing each other.

"And to the winding vines

the pretty boys dive

And thru the pinhole stars

into the shadow mind

Will you lose him then

on some gentle dawn

This boy is here

and gone."

Smashing Pumpkins