It could be funny. Mindlessness is an art I excel at lately. I spend money to avoid thinking. I buy myself magazines with Japanese rock stars, CDs, cute stationery; what most men would call cute pink crap. I look at pink frilly little designs. The child inside me, cornered, frustrated, sad beyond words, for a moment sighs with relief. A small pink breath for her and I wish, I wish I could connect with her again and tell her it's going to be fine. I don't dare connect because then I will cry non- stop for everything, for all the things that life has turned me into, for all the things I wished I would be and never came to be, for all those moments I fail to face the world with an open heart and my eyes filled with innocence and thirst. Like she would.
I am so sorry sweetheart. I am so sorry for the things that have happened to you and for the pain you had to go through. I am also sorry for the times you will be disappointed in the future, because, you know, that's human nature.
But that's not how it was supposed to be.
It's not.
I wish I could tell her it's all going to be fine and believe it myself.
I wish I did not have to cry in the middle of the fucking net cafe like a goddamn idiot.
She doesn't want kawaii stationery. She wants to be loved.
She is lonely and scared and wants someone to hold her.
I am so very sorry sweetheart.
So very sorry.
How many times do you feel this, darling? How many times do you go further within you, thinking about all this?? Why don't you try to stop and do a restart on your heart, brains and feelings?? Or try at least.
ReplyDeleteNot for the chuld within you, but for the woman you are... You deserve better!! ^^
with love,
Bruno
*** Many hugs and kisses to both of you ***
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to understand oneself, sometimes...
ReplyDeleteI've been told they call that schizophrenia...but are you schizo when you know that you are. I wonder...
By the way, I hope the little things I sent by post will please the self in you who like make-believes... ;)