I have been meaning to
write this for some time now. The actual reason is my frustration with the world that
sometimes becomes overwhelming. There are days no matter where I look at there
is nothing but pain and misery and trouble. And truth is, we do live in a world
that is characterised by imperfection, pain and lots of trouble. However, if
someone focuses onto that part of the world, they are guaranteed to go insane
in a very small amount of time. What we can do is concentrate on what's right,
on the positive parts of our lives, and slowly try to improve the negative, one
thing at a time, baby steps, one by one.
That said, I would like to
say a few things on help.
Help is a very tricky
thing.
Generally speaking, help is
seen as something good and the people offering help are viewed as
"kind".
This is a very popular
misconception, because most people who offer help do it for the wrong
reasons and in a very wrong way. I'll try not to get into too much detail here,
but give a few hints on problem solving instead.
Please try to help when you
can, if you can. But don't get out of your own way to do it.
What do I mean by this?
Before getting involved in
the first place, ask yourselves: Do I have the time and energy for this? If
your energy levels are below the ground and you're up to your neck with your
own problems, learn to say no. Unless you can keep your own head out of the
current you cannot help anyone else do so. Don't worry, someone else will take
care of that person's problem. If you let them. It's not your job or responsibility to be always
available and willing, because this means you do not respect yourself and your
own needs. And if you don't respect yourself, very soon you'll have very
serious problems of your own. Learn to say no, unless you want to spend the
rest of your life babysitting. You don't want to create needy people that
depend on you to make up their mind about everything and anything.
You cannot solve other
people's problems. I have been thinking I can solve other people's problems for
years. It's another very popular misconception. You cannot do that, and it's
not your job or responsibility to do that.You can listen and give advice, but
always keep in mind your advice is good for you. It may not be suitable
for the other. You can't solve their problem because present problems are results
of past actions. The person who finds themselves with a problem has made a
choice in the past that resulted in the present problem. They need to
learn. Don't interfere in other people's learning process. If you were
teaching someone to ride a bicycle, what would you do? You cannot learn to ride
the bicycle FOR them. You can tell them what to do, you can hold them steady,
but the rest they have to do themselves. They may skin their knees, get a
few bruises, but sooner or later, they'll make it. Let them do this. They need
it.
Sometimes all a person needs is perspective. We get immersed into our
problems so much we think it's the end of the world. It's not. No matter
what your problem is, it's something you can somehow face, solve, or ignore; in
some cases it will go away on its own after completing its cycle (much like a
common cold, or flu). No matter what is happening to you or someone else,
remember: somewhere else in the world someone loses a person they love and
they can do nothing about it. There are those who die, or are crippled, or in
terrible physical pain, or lose their homes, or jobs, or sanity even as you
read this. No matter what your problem is, put it into perspective, take heart,
and be strong. There is someone else in a much much worse place than you are.
Be grateful for what you have, don't take it for granted. Nothing is for
granted. Nothing. Try to remind this to the people with the problem without
making light of their pain or feelings.
One more point to consider
is: is the person with the problem really interested in solving it? Do keep an
eye on the progress they make. Some people are slow learners, so don't worry
overly much. Some people want just to get something off their chest and need a
friendly ear. That's OK too. But there are those people who habitually moan. Be
particularly careful with them. In reality they don't want to solve their
problem. They want your attention and energy. You can tell them apart from
those in genuine distress because attention seekers always have the same
problem. Every possible hint and idea you come up with is just "no
good" because they cannot be bothered to change anything about the way
they live their lives. They want a solution handed out to them in a silver platter
that magically involves no effort on their behalf. They moan how no-one cares
and loves them and there is a cosmic conspiracy against them, but they never
offer help to anyone (unless it involves the chance to relate the
exact details of their problem and gain more audience.) They are the so-called
vampires, or drama queens. They always go and make the same poor choices which
gives them the same problems in the long run, and can never understand why
"god hates them". They are far too lazy to chase or do anything and
they cannot understand why they cannot find a job or nothing changes in their
lives. Steer clear of such people; they have the magical ability to turn gold
into shit. Kind of Midas, the king of fable, in reverse.
Last but no least, ask yourselves: What about your problems? Have you solved them to the degree this is possible?
Are you getting involved in someone else's life because you want to avoid your
own problems? Do you give advice because it makes you feel important or useful?
Can you maintain a healthy distance from the problems of others or do you make
them your own? Be honest with yourself. If you are not certain about your
motives, then don't get involved. If you cannot maintain a healthy distance,
then don't get involved. If you have a million problems of your own you can't
make heads or tails of, then don't get involved. It's not cruel or uncaring.
It's honest, and truth will get you a long way...
