All is violent, all is bright

The title is from a great God is an Astronaut album.

The mood is the following:

I am tired of existing in other people's heads and lives because of the thing I do for them, or give to them.

I want my existence to fulfill my own needs and desires from now on.

I want to leave a legacy of creation. Kindness alone is not enough. Wisdom and understanding don't fit the bill either. I want to be alive to fulfill my own being, but not through servitude to others anymore. I want to fulfill my own need to be served. I want to spoil myself, not by buying things to myself, but by quality time. Time from myself to myself only.

If I was to die tomorrow, what would be my legacy? The memory in other people's heads? Their kind words?

I do not want this. As I have said before, when my ashes will be traveling the planet, other people's opinions will not matter in the least. I crave creation. And I will turn the earth upside down if it needs must. I will enforce my will on reality if it needs must. Not enforce, but kick all obstacles aside, shove all those people out of the way. Out of my fucking way- you think I do not know who you are? You think I am not aware of the fact my weakness offers you flesh to secure your hooks on? Of your idiotic juvenile mind games? Well this is already changing- best to subtract your hooks or you'll be dragged and thrown with me into the volcano I am about to jump. Trust me, you can't take the heat. You don't have what it takes. If you did, you would be human beings, not poison ivy, crawling all over me. The tree you are riding is about to start walking before it turns into a pillar of light and fire. You have been forewarned- let go or you'll be singed.

I know this doesn't make much sense. It is okay. Just one last thing. I am not nice because I don't know any better. Being gentle is a conscious choice on my behalf- and one that can change at any given moment. Some people have already tasted that in an excruciatingly painful way. Don't add yourself to the list. Thank you.

PS I bought some gorgeous new books with the object of my latest desires, Gackt. I cannot resist but place a photo here- it is always soothing to look at something serene after the storm. If I was a vampire I would feed on beauty only... and if anyone feels like saying the "gay" word I strongly advise them to insert a few fingers up their own anus, in order to get some idea of what they are missing. I can always tell them how via e-mail, and I am sure they will grow to appreciate it.