Olivier Theyskens.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel. That's what it feels like anyway. But the barrel is situated in the middle of hell, godsdammit. And it just gets worse with every passing day. I need to blow off some steam, but whenever I try to think of a suitable way, suddenly the possibility of jumping off the rooftop seems to fit the description perfectly. NOT the best way, I try to convince myself. Who's going to amaze the rest of the world with vampire soap operas if you jump off now? C'mon, you didn't do it when things were at the worst, you won't do it now, will you? Please my girl, don't think about it.

Yeah, right.

Myself: Magic words: Olivier Theyskens, Olivier Theyskens, Olivier Theyskens. Think of Olivier Theyskens. Think of sweet Olivier, feminine Olivier, talented, sensitive, intelligent, probably gay as pink hell Olivier.

Me: Yeah,OK. I am thinking of him. If I were a guy I would have an erection the size of Eiffel Tower. What now?

Myself: Are your nipples hard?

Me: Yes, they... HEY! What the hell is your fucking problem? What is it to you?

Myself: See? you are not REALLY suicidal. Otherwise you would not get wet, would you now?

Me: I have the terrible suspicion that the real reason I like him so much is that he looks like a bearded woman. And me, in particular. He looks like a bearded me. Unsettling.

Myself: NO, the really unsettling thing is that your actual problem is that you are not a guy so that you can have hot gay sex. With teenage elves. And that you secretly desire black panthers and imagine yourself in a perfect world where men would be humanoid felines. And you would have a harem of them, one of each feline species. Or that's the idea anyway.

Me: We all have our vices. Mmm... Olivier... I think I see what you are talking about. Yes. Tied up. And gagged. Certainly. I won't be able to maintain my state of mind if he starts calling me names in French. I will giggle non-stop. There goes my formidable dominatrix attitude. And my appetite.

Myself: And if he likes men?

Me: Not a problem. I will hire some help. As long as I can watch.

Myself: You need help.

Me: Yes, I know. I am crap at organising kidnappings. Anyone knows how to do that?