Trouble is an old friend of mine

Beautiful drawing by http://egosun.deviantart.com

I am looking for trouble in all the right places. And trouble finds me, kisses me on the cheek and shrugs. And I shrug too.

-Well met, Trouble.

-Well met, Elizabeth. How are you?

-“I am so screwed over” is the right answer. But you know that. I mean, we have just met. You’re supposed to be Trouble, not my aunt Helen. Don’t ask me things that are self-explanatory.

-Trying to be polite, Trouble replies. Never knew it went out of fashion. So, we cut to the chase then.

-Oh yes, we do.

-How do you want the chase to be this time? Trouble asks.

-Anything that does not involve chasing my own tail is fine, love.

Trouble hears that and doubles over with laughter.

-Are you plainly fucking delirious? He asks. We are talking about a male fairy here. Don’t tell me you don’t know what they are like. From all the things under the face of the good-ol' sun, you collided with one of the most whimsical, hedonistic, lying, obsessing, overindulging, sex-addicted races. And you don’t need me to tell you how murder is also their cup of tea, at least for some of them.

-Naga are the exact same thing, only they have scales and the ones I know don’t like to lie or kill, I interrupt Trouble playing smart ass. He snorts.

-Same difference to me. Are we talking about the fairy here or your collection of Naga acquaintances?

I shrug.

-So tell me about fairies.

-Come on, Trouble protests. You know everything about fairies. You have written half a book about one. You had picked the murderous type for the book, but other than that, there is nothing I can say you don’t know already.

-What do I do then?

-I don’t know, Trouble says. Run? Hide? Begin a stamp collection? It’s all the same to me. If I need to find you, I know where to look. My address book is always up to date.

I curse lowly. Trouble never lies.

-Do you think that I have some hope to get out unscathed?

-Ha, Trouble sniggers. I am the wrong one to ask concerning that. My job is to flay your skin, not give you advice. And he smiles a smile full of dagger-like teeth. 
I nod.

-You’re right. I am sorry. So, we begin?

-It has already begun, Trouble says and looks outside, then at his watch. He kisses me on the cheek again and I can swear this being smells like the tastiest thing ever draped over a rotting carcass.

-I am sure I’ll dodge you this time, I say seriously. I am certain the danger has passed. 
Trouble smiles his sweet dagger-collection smile and lights a cigarette.

-We’ll see about that, he murmurs.

-Goodnight Trouble.

-Goodnight Elizabeth.

Messy business

I am not sure why I keep bothering when there is nothing there to see.

There is so little time.

Humans keep wasting it in ways that defy not just common sense but stupidity itself.

There is nothing there.

Nothing.

Time flies.

The beautiful men and women I see in photos will be reduced to sacks of failing meat in a matter of years.

I will be reduced to a sack of failing meat in a matter of years.

And when this happens people think the youth we claim to have possessed was only in our minds.

Don't you realise?

And once more I look inside.

Every time I interact with others I get so exasperated I am always forced to do the same, look inside.

And no-one can compare to what is inside.

Nothing on the outside can begin to compare with it.

And I get mad.

And it's pointless.

And I grow anxious.

And it's useless.

And I see the same faces waving at me once more.

In the same order.

Desire, Creativity and Death.

Fucking hell.

Not again.

And then I get depressed.

But I am too proud to let depression get the better of me.

Okay then. Let's play.

Give it your best shot.

Let me pretend I am amused.

Let me pretend I am impressed.

Let me pretend I give a fuck about reality and everything it entails.

Dress up. Be smart. Be pretty. Be arrogant. Be haughty. Be even yourself.

See if I give a fuck.

So what will it be?

And why should I care?

I've forgotten how to care.

Smoke and mirrors.

Dust and old photos.

Nothing.

First picture: Bartek Borowiec, second picture: Andrej Pejic.

Video for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1EzU9sLQ6I

Our Mother

Our mother of sorrows

our mother of the thousand faces

multifaceted jewel adorning the universe

breath of our breath

heart of our hearts

the soil we walk upon

the breast that feeds us

the embrace that receives us

when everything is said and done for.

A million thanks to her

written in blood everyday

in the blood of her children

slaughtered without thought or feeling.

Mother, please forgive us

for we know not.

I am so

sorry.

Letters with no receivers

You like writing letters so much. Letters, lists, memos, diaries, digital letters, gods help you, you live immersed in the written word like it’s the air you breathe. And it is. It’s both what you breathe and what you choke on. Because that’s what you end up doing. Choking on papers and unspoken conversations with people who are absent, or dead, or not real.

You listen to love songs and murmur the song along with the singer. And you wonder, when the time comes for you to leave, what of that gift? Who will get the uniqueness of your voice save for the crows that don’t feast on the flesh of the dead anymore, and what will they do with this ill-begotten loot?

Perhaps sing love songs to themselves after midnight, sing love songs with a human voice when no-one is there to hear them. Scare the dead.

Your imagination tortures you like you share your mind with an evil twin. You are the crippled twin of the two, left to watch while the other mocks you for everything you (cannot) do. For every wall and barrier that shuts you off and surrounds you the other twin sees only sky, an open sky you are forever doomed to watch without the ability to soar. You look at rooftops and trees and you can almost see yourself there, perched lazily and looking at passers by with the audacity of a cat or a winged creature. You see yourself dancing on rooftops and dangling from windowsills and laughing wildly as you somersault from one impossible feat to the next and then gravity lands on your chest like a tombstone and reality slaps you. And the evil twin of your imagination laughs at you and gives you and them the finger. And with something akin to fever you wish you were shallow and boring and you could only think about your mundane job and what to cook for supper and to buy some milk on the way home. Not about dancing on rooftops and singing from trees, not about the open sky that laughs at your face every time you look up.

The night is so beautiful, a velvet curtain of negative light. Pull the curtain aside and you’ll find a hidden door of endless possibilities. Life and death kiss each other and laugh, laugh, laugh.

The earth is so beautiful, a living jewel sparkling and breathing. You are so afraid that She’s breathing Her last that you want to scream.

You miss flying so much.

You miss killing so much.

You’ve done neither in this lifetime but you remember them so vividly that your heart breaks.

Words, words, words are so cheap. They are a penny a bucketful. Aren’t you bored?

Shut up and get out.

The night is so beautiful.

Like killing. Like flying.

Out.

[Bartek Borowiec the male model in both beautiful photos]

Dervish Wisdom

So what is desire?

Hormones?

Smells?

How about desiring someone you have not met?

Is that really desire?

Yes, he has done a considerably good job at turning your brain into a bitch in heat. He snaps your fingers, you jump. But you also bite if you need to.

Go with the flow.

The flow is slow.

The river is full of greenery that rots.

The waters are lazy and filthy under the sun. Your head is buzzing like so many flies.

You suddenly feel the need to kill.

You see your beloved Dorian in your mind’s eye snapping someone’s neck with his bare hands. It is a gratifying sight. It offers you comfort.

You’re aware of the absurdity of everything.

The Heart of the Ages sings from In the Woods.

A small black kitten is running and playing on your bed and biting your fingers.

Last night you were crying for that kitten and how small it is, and how there are so many things out there that can harm it.

Last night you were crying because innocents must suffer.

He’s waiting.

Perhaps to hurt you.

Perhaps to hurt himself.

There will be ample time to discover.

And perhaps make amends.

The black kitten wants to sleep.

The other kitten wants to play.

You want nothing.

The perfect equilibrium of no desire.

But what is desire?

Nothing like Facebook

A test for you:

On a night out clubbing you are approached by a handcuffed couple wearing odd garments consisting mainly of latex and lace that leave their private parts exposed. You feel:

A) Freaked out. What the hell? I thought this was a weirdo-free place!

B) Excited. You've always wanted to be part of a threesome, only you did not know how to start or where to look!

C) Interested. You love latex!

D) Indifferent. Your outfit is so much more interesting!

If your answer is A, you are in the wrong blog. If the answer is B, C, or D, then join us. We are really friendly freaks! :-)

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